The Megan Thought (Pride) Cycle

"And still this emptiness persists."
- Colin Hays


Morning- GAH! I am such an idiot! I shouldn't get out of bed.
Later- I am surrounded by idiots. They shouldn't have gotten out of bed.
Later- No wait, they are actually smarter than I thought! I am an idiot. I wish I could go to bed.
Later- No, they are ignorant and don't understand their own rational. I am surrounded by idiots. They should go home and stay there.
Later- I am a mean bad person for thinking that and I don't know that much either. I function out of a false sense of importance, and all-important pomposity! GAH! I am such an idiot. I'm going to bed.


Morning- GAH! I am such an idiot! I shouldn't get out of bed.

Emotional Megans Should Wear Mood Rings

Why am I crying? I never cry. My tears are made of the blood of angels and unicorns, and are only seen by the pure in heart...or the rare public sightings of my tears would so indicate.

Oh, it's because I just got struck with a fist load of dread that no matter how hard I try to write this paper...it is going to be a B or worse. Oh, "waaaaaah!", you sarcastically decry...but a B means a lot when you depend on a scholarship. A heck of a lot.

Having experienced unexplained failure multiple times...I now have no confidence in myself on this matter.

Writing is probably the biggest fear in my life...well that and marrying a chauvinist.
Unlucky for me, I am at a conservative religious university...a place where both chauvinists and papers abound.

Dang.

Well.......shucks.....

Don't ask "Why me?" but ask "What now?"
- Joseph B. Wirthlin

Ode to the sure thing re-hire to my old job...now DASHED against the rocky cliffs... due to the fact that one of the current employees has decided to stay on hire instead of going home for the spring-summer.


Hem Hem.


"I hope something terrible happens to you
or something decently good happens to me as a result of this.
Or both."


Now I must (no..no...think positive.."get to" ya... "get to") look for a new super-fun-learning-experience-hobby-for-pay...otherwise known as a job. This has the potential of becoming "Not my week."

It's snowing...and my car is moving from side to side..but my steering wheel is not.

Oh, Ode to the gas tank that insists that it is full of gas by clicking the nozzel off...when it obviously is not full.

Oh, Ode to the dreadful winter weather that comes in spring and makes the roads slick and scary!

Oh!

Front Right Tire! Why do you always lose air faster than the other tires....for no explainable reason...and with stunning consistancy and frequency!

SO it is to be WAR between us!

Cyber-spying

My "art of the day" ( see below on my blog extras to the right) reads minds.

I kid you not.

I wrote a post on Isabella and the Pot of Basil. The next day's art: Isabella and the Pot of Basil.

I talk on the phone about the book Possession. As soon as I get home the "art of the day" is "The Beguiling of Merlin"...the cover art for Possession.

Other such coincidences have occurred again and again.

Ever get the feeling that someone...is watching...you?

Sleep, My Anti-Everything

"Go away world!"
-Thought most often processed right before or after four hour long "power nap".


This is beginning to get disturbing. The last time I slept this much, I was under a lot lot lot of stress.

I am starting to ponder on the possibility that my subconscious mind knows when I've hit my breaking point before my body and conscious mind even feel tired.

I think I'm getting internally overworked, and like my little toshiba, I turn off automatically when overheated, or forced to process at too many gigabytes (Toshiba: "And NOW she wants to watch the Colbert Report! What does she think I AM! A freakin' MAC!")

I have been getting home for the past two weeks... promptly falling asleep for three or four hours after linner (lunch-dinner). I think that I am running from my responsibilities...and reality.

This brings up a few moral/ethical questions to my mind, which I will hash out on a few of the other blogs I co-publish.

Anyway, so, I just woke up...and it's 10:00...PM.

I think I'll go to the gym and start my day now. I've got cleaning checks in the morning, a test to take tomorrow, and tons and tons of papers to write.

I'm in "The Little Engine That Could" mode right now. It's the best I can do...during my waking hours.

ENTJ

A dear friend of mine recently posted their Myers-Briggs score and some implications.
I thought I'd do the same, in the hopes that I might bring a knowing smile to those who know me, and maybe clear up a few things for my ex-boyfriends, co-workers, teachers and acquaintances.


I am an ENTJ. Truth be told, I hadn't looked at my qualities in a while. When I read them again today, it brought a smile to my face.

Here is a brief description, from the site http://www.personality-power-for-everyday-living.com/ENTJ.html...which is not the official...but get's it pretty well. If you want to get me even more...than you can look up ENTJ's.

ENTJ Definition of Personality Equals “Vision + Drive + Leadership”

The definition of personality for the ENTJ includes the drive to logically analyze people, events, the world and bring everything into order.

You may have come here from the MBTI “words to describe personality” page and you know or suspicion that your personality type is Extraverted with Intuition, Thinking and Judging, because you have taken the Myers-Briggs personality assessment test. Or you may be here because someone you care about is this type. That being the case you can discover many qualities, traits or characteristics describing this personality type on this page.

BASICS

I’m going to present ENTJ qualities in a list format because I have found reading a paragraph when you are digging for some important, quick information, can be difficult, well it can be irritating! So let us take a look at a list of personality traits for ENTJs. This type:

• Is the one type that cannot, not LEAD….life’s natural leaders
• Will willingly direct others toward the goals/objectives they have set
• Is very decisive and clear about values
• Is naturally driven to push people and organizations to get things done
• Lives for decisions, closure, cannot stand disorganization
• Is a natural skeptic and will question most things
• Is very willing to take on responsibility and get things organized and moving forward
• Sees meanings, patterns, possibilities in all things, future efforts
• Are energetic planners, builders, with future orientation.
• Powerfully sees the natural logical weaknesses in most situations, will tirelessly work and drive others to fix them
• Is not adverse to conflict will fact it head on

Now do you see yourself/someone else in the above basic list of personality traits??

What we really begin to see with personality type is emerging patterns of behaving and using our brains. The ENTJ way is natural, instinctive, beautiful, created to be this way. Let us continue.

Mottos Are Fun

For the ENTJ these mottos or things to put on their battle flag might be: “Just Do It! “I’m In Control-All Will Be Well” “Strategic Planner Lives Here”, to name a few.

Let us make another list of personality traits, ENTJs:

• Are curious intellectually and enjoy new ideas
• Are very utilitarian and pragmatic despite their natural orientation toward the future
• Will have difficulty (sometimes great difficulty) with those unable/unwilling to emote
• Will set high goals for themselves and others
• Enjoy planning for the possibilities in most things and for most people
• Highly value achievement
• Deeply value autonomy and respect power and authority…want it also
• Thinking is symbolic, metaphorical, they see meaning in all things

Now, my friend, the ENTJ not only behaves in the above manner…THEY NATURALLY EXPECT EVERYONE ELSE TO DO THE SAME!!

So, what happens when they see that many others do not behave that way?? (only 3-5% of America’s population is this type) Answer: Different levels of stress, confusion, irritation, etc.; typically nothing this type can’t handle. So, this is a NATURAL reaction on the part of this type, they are not doing anything wrong.

More Stuff The ENTJ:

• Is typically straight forward and frank in communications
• In relationships, they are confident and assertive
• In relationships, they are very willing to decide for others
• In relationships, they will treat you fairly and justly
• In relationships, they can at times appear argumentative, arrogant and critical
• In relationships, at times are insensitive to the feelings and interpersonal needs of others
• May rush to judgment at times
• Very self confident and appear to hold themselves in high regard…rightly so
• May rush to judgment rather than cooperatively considering a mates point of view
• Will not be bound by the expectations of others

Under Stress The ENTJ:

• May become extremely critical of themselves and others
• Will become angry, controlling and blindly issues orders without repect to consequences
• Will begin to strongly doubt themselves
• Under extreme stress they may withdraw, feel hurt, trapped and become over emotional
• May withdraw and strongly criticize others

If this type is you, wonderful, perhaps you now have a better understanding of yourself, and perhaps you can use that increased understanding in many positive ways.

If you see someone else as this type but not you, please pay attention to the differences between your personality and the ENTJ. Try to see that your way and this way are natural and just fine! Look for the positive differences, the strengths this type brings to your type. Celebrate that because it cannot be changed and can add wonderful diversity and truth to your life!!

When I know I'm stressed.

While my cheese, crab and broccoli soup dinner microwaves for two minutes, I think I'll have an Oreo.
...
...
...

It has been two minutes...and I have lost count of how many Oreos I've just eaten.
No good.

It is all relative.

Luke: I can't believe it.
Yoda: THAT is why you fail.
-Star Wars episode 5



There is sooo much in my brain, and so many blogs to write on....and not enough time.

In the immortal words of my little sister- "I am busier than a one-legged [Megan] in a butt-kicking contest.

and I am loathe to say "butt"...ever. Free-speech enthusiast that I am...I frown at vulgar language...vulgar as in common...the original word for vulgar.

Anyway, so I don't have time to put my more interesting thoughts on paper...or anything else for that matter.
I find that business isn't really a matter of how much stuff one has to do, but a matter of how much stuff your brain (not even your exhausted body, but your BRAIN) can handle. I have done twice as much as this, with half as much sleep, and felt fine. I have also done half as much as this, with daily breakdowns and eight-hour naps.
So, really, it's all a war of the brain. That's the hardest war because you are fighting against yourself...and let's face it...when you fight yourself you have quite literally met your match.

Bwahahahahaha.

"Hello, paper."
"Bwahahahahahahaha!"
"Um...ya...I need to talk to you."
"BwaHAhahahahahHAHA!"
"Wait, is that a curly mustache, black top hat and cape on you?"
*upitty, yet ominous, turn of the century piano music*
"Oh, my gosh. I'm in a Melodrama."
*paper takes cape and masks half of face, while whisking away*
"Stop, you fiend!"
"BwhahahahahahahaHA!"
* Megan, in her pursuit, passes a man tied up on the railroad track calling "Help Me, Help Me!" in a sweet voice*
"Dude...just roll off the track...freakin moron."
*man blinks several times...then starts rolling off the track, apologetically*
"Anyway...I shall defeat you, Paper!"
*Megan continues her desperate chase, into an abandoned mine. Little does she know, that paper's thugs-Big Bud, the case study; Jackhammer Johnson, the math exam; One-Eyed-Pete, the presentation and handout; and Little Anthony, the Children's literature research paper- all wait just off screen, with dynamite and really big hammers. OH, WHAT SHALL OUR BRAVE HEROINE DO! Find out next time when the adventure continues....*

Deep Hidden Fear

So, I have a deep, hidden fear of writing. Seriously. I would rather sink into the cesspit of unpleasant things before attempting to write. I don't really have a lot of confidence in myself as a writer. I find this extremely annoying sometimes...like just now for example, when I sat, frozen in fear, at the prospect of writing a few e-mails to my scholarship committees , my employers and my dean. Just little short letters...literally send me into a spiral of depression. I got home, surfed the web ,aimlessly, and took a four hour nap, rather than write.

I need to get over this severe lack of self-efficacy by experiencing some success. The thing is, I have always hated writing-the writing process in particular. I hate the self-critique of having to read and edit my own work. To me, it's like that uncomfortable feeling you get when you have to watch a video-tape of yourself giving a speech...when you KNOW you've gained some weight, and your hair was out of wack, and you said "um" thirty-eight times. I mean, can't we just move on?
And then there is the pride thing. I mean, didn't I do it right the FIRST TIME? Why should I take my hard work, and feed it to the vultures they call "peer editors". Do I really deserve this public humiliation?
And finally, there were the classes and the teachers who gave me poor scores...and no matter how often one says that scores are just assessments to show where improvement can be made...assessments in our world are more often sentences to lives of avoidance. I would rather do that which I succeed at, so I just avoided writing. It scares the crap out of me.
Wait, and another thing. I enjoy writing about things I enjoy. One of the great "duh" statements of the millennium. I enjoy writing in a loose, free format...with lots of hyphens, "...", and parentheses to mirror my style of thinking. I write in dialogue format a lot (it being familiar to me because of stage experience and overall dramatic thinking style), or in whatever form seems most accessible to my thoughts. I like writing where I cannot fail since there is no rubric.

And then there is time. If I can just bust out a written work, first draft, first time, I would enjoy it. The process is long though. It's particularly long for me, since I have a lifetime of avoidance behind me. Whenever a teacher assigns me a writing assignment, they also assign me five or more hours of irrational panic and stress, possibly tears, and a long loooong night with the thesaurus and the dictionary, and the APA format book...and the humilation of the self-proof..which I usually avoid altogether...and the super humiliation of the peer review....which I usually avoid altogether by just asking the reviewer to make the corrections they see fit, and just accepting the changes without looking at the text...and the self-esteem jackhammer of final score.

Now, I KNOW that most of my posse is hyper-literate, and that right now 50 or so good intentioned people are bursting at the seams with advice...ranging anywhere from "Just GET FREAKING OVER IT!" to "God loves all his children." but I ask you to not share. I've given myself all these pep talks.
I know it's all in my head, but, as the great mentor Brian Champion said, "Your head is a very important part of your body! If it's all in your head, that's MORE important. It effects everything."

So, I wonder, what do YOU avoid? Sports? Dancing? Chemistry? Skinny-jeans? Boyfriends?

I consider myself a very malable, motivated person. I feel like I've really grown in trying new things, and being more mastery-oriented vs. failure avoiding. But this is a stinker.

T-shirts---Should I buy them?

Ok....so there are two t-shirts


Both of which are on sale for five dollars.

ON threadless.com

Should I buy them?

Subtle Crush of the Week!

World famous, Parisian, wood block artist illustrator extraordinaire...look up his stuff. Dude woodblocked EVERYTHING...the Life of Christ, Children's Fairy-tales, Don Quixote, Poe's "The Raven", just everything...and amazingly well.

And LOOK AT HIM! He just looks like the coolest guy ever. The scarf, the posture, that "whatever" look on his face - he was like that hot, enlightened, sensitive, sexy artist kid you always wished would talk to you, but you'd probably end up saying something stupid to, and accidentally align yourself with "the man" by mentioning some mass produced product, and then spend the rest of the school year trying to prove you aren't a complete fascist ditz, only to fail...because let's face it...you ARE...at least compared to him. You know, the Oh-my-gosh-I think-he-just-looked-at-me-no-wait-play-it-cool type guy.

Anyway, subtle crush of the week- Paul Gustave Dore.

His great-grandson is also cool.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

So, today I was graded on one of my lessons...and my big flaw in the lesson was being too......(violent? cruel? boring? unanimated? ignorant of the subject? quiet? Long winded?....just wait)..............enthusiastic.


"Well, I'll try to tone it down."

"No, really REALLY tone it down."



Anyway, I'm also trying to figure out why my front right tire on Captain Handsome is really really low on air (only been driving it about three weeks). I guess I'll just go fill it up with more air and hope for the best. Anyone know what I can do about it?
Yesterday I went and checked out some books on car repair and maintenance ( "A complete Idiot's Guide (hey...they wrote a book...just for ME!) to Car Repair" and "Dare to Repair:Your Car") Now, the Dare to Repair book has a a big picture of Rosie the Riveter on it...and is supposed to be written especially for women.

I don't really get this.
A: How am I "sticking it to the man" by learning how to fix my car? Do I really need a picture of a slightly angry (mostly determined) propaganda woman on my book? It's not that I mind, but it feels kind of silly that I need the face of determined, barrier breaking, freedom-fighting womanhood...on my car repair book. I think that image deserves a more meaningful place.
B: Are the procedures for fixing a car different for amateur women than for amateur men? Do I really need a separate book for women...I mean, are there different words for "allignment", "motor oil" and "power steering" in womanese than in manish?
I mean, I hope that some misguided men and psychotic poodle women didn't write this for the imaginary women they've created in their heads!
I mean, what's this book gonna be LIKE?

"Turn the cutsie wootsey wittle bolt the left, because, as we always remember 'lefty loosey righty tighty, you look bestest in a nighty.' Then, fill up that adorable car with nummy oil and gas...and make sure to put something cute on the front mirror...dice are sooo nineties...and it really helps if you have a bumper-sticker with your entire family in stick figures on the back, because nothing says "I'm a competent driver" like mock-kindergartener lettering. Also, never EVER go anywhere without lip gloss in the glove compartment...cause, when you break down and some eye-candy comes to rescue you, you'll wanna look cute....needy and cute."

Why I love the book Possession.

I will now flip randomly through the book and pick out ten random quotes I find on the random pages.

"The more the Many were revealed to me
The more I pressed my hunt to find the One"
-p 226


"What did she really look like, Blanche?"
"No one really knows for certain. I imagine her very pale, but that's only because of her name."
-p 144

"We fabricate to demonstrate their Truth."
-p440

"The Historian and the Man of Science alike may be said to traffic with the dead."
-p 116

"Very likely--very likely indeed! But it should be no boast. If it is a fact, it is almost a disgraceful one."
-p 425

"Choose now, and choose wisely, for extremes of bliss and misery stand in your choice."
-p 169

"It's both sides. It's everything. It was always there..."
- p 94

"There are things that happen and leave no discernible trace, are not spoken or written of, though it would be very wrong to say that subsequent events go on indifferently, all the same, as though such things had never been."
- p 552

"You know how things are now, do you? You know how things are? Do we ever know that about a fellow-creature?"
- p 400

"To a dusty shelf we aspire."
-p 61

I just had an epiphany!
I've got enough confidence in myself (right now) that I don't feel like I have to prove anything.

Give it time though. I'll be back to my good old insecure self soon.

:D

Tired

I'm tired of arguing right now...I'm tired of proving my points. This doesn't mean that I don't want to prove my points...it's just that, sometimes, I just want to sit quietly with someone who knows my thoughts, and just "be."

Book of the Megan Club

Currently reading...
Uncommon Faith, about New England in the mid-to-late 1830's.

Prequel...part 1

"The future is not what it used to be."
-Anonymous


Pre-mortal life.


"Opp....so, Megan."
"Yep"
"Looks like there are only two eternal rolls in life ,that are essential in your generation, left. Let's see....*looks at clipboard*...ah ha. Looks like you could either be a swimsuit model neuroscientist...or...unphotogenic."
"I'll take the model."
"Ah...well too bad it's OPPOSITE DAY!"
"Wait....what? *looks at calender*...dang."

Happens a lot.

I have nothing interesting to write about on my blog today.

That's not to say that I don't have deep thoughts...but nothing that I'd want anyone else to read...example: "How much wood WOULD a woodchuck chuck?" *ponderous look about the room*


So, write on your own blogs. Give me something interesting to read.

"Wiley"

Ah! Now, on top of it all I've got to go to a BRUNCH...a BRUNCH. I'm not old enough to be invited to non-ironic non-themed BRUNCHES yet...but here I am. It all comes from having fabulous married, pregnant ,and socially graceful pregnant friends.

So, funny redundant tale-today, whilst teaching young growing minds...as I tend to do, I sat next to this kid named Riley (from an undisclosed class, in an undisclosed school), except he couldn't say his "r"s...so "Wiley". Now "Wiley" sat next to me during Health, busting out facts about the periodic table and how steel is made from iron; all the while fidgeting out of intense boredom. The rest of the class was just trying to grasp the concept that "iron helps blood cells carry oxygen", while Wiley excitedly told me "O2 is weplaced with CO2!" at the top of his lungs. I kept trying to shush Wiley, but all the while I really felt for him. He was so far ahead of the class, that he was getting behind. After I walked out to rinse out the cups of cereal and magnets we'd used in our iron "experiment", I saw Riley being escorted out into the hallway by one of his teachers-off to be punished for being brilliant, bored, and therefore socially awkward.

Don't worry Wiley. I'll be certified in two years and I won't make you pull a card for being smart. As I look back, I'm starting to realize that I was placed in advanced classes all through elementary school and junior high (whether I should have or not...is still up for debate.), which accounts for a lot of my sanity/insanity. I've suddenly gained an appreciation for Gifted and Talented programs. It's a very fine line between genius and "problem child".

Heinousness

"I could burn with the splendor of the brightest fire, or else, or else I could choose time."
-Eva Peron in Evita


Behold...the heinous overbooking of the fabulous Megan:

I have facial party on the seventeenth.

Teaching from 7:00 AM to 3:00 PM

Going to the ballet tonight

Going to open house tomorrow

Going to Hunger Banquet on Saturday

Must have tragically long Psychology take-home midterm done my midnight

Must have Google earth tour (recorded in HTML) done and uploaded by Monday

Must contribute to several blogs

Must find time to write on mine

I still have religion class every Wed..for two hours

I must read lots and lots of books

I must write several large reports, and case study.

Weight training dates every Tuesday Thursday and Saturday at 8:00






...sometimes I just zone out when I have this much to do...if by zoning out I mean folding my laundry while watching the news and making periodic glances at my textbook. So really, I'm not overwhelmed...I'm just finally reaching my potential point of success satiation.

Or...you know...I could always sleep. The world always looks better when you aren't looking at it anymore. ;)

Identity Almost Theft....

'This innocent who wears my face; who goes to judgment in my place?"
-Jean Valjean


Ah...someone is writing on FMH..and their screen name is Megan....and they are sympathetic to the US Military...but they aren't me. This is potentially bad.

Now, I have been posting on FMH for a while now under a great, and undisclosed, screen name...which isn't Megan. I have a terrible hunch that people I know, who know I write on FMH, are going to think that this other Megan is me...and this can be no good...because what if this other Megan suddenly goes off the deep-end...or starts typing about her possibly reprehensible past...or writes one day about how she can't stand any of her friends...and officiates baby sacrifices by the light of the full moon (...as opposed to my superior sacrifices during equinoxes and every other friday at noon).

The point is...that I am NOT this Megan person. Spread the word.

Percussion

"It doesn't matter what those morons say."
-Eva Peron in Evita

Sometimes people make me want to bang my head against a desk. So as not to annoy people ,though, I would bang in a pleasant, rhythmic way.

There is not specific person, just people of a specific brand of ignorant ( for we are, all of us, ignorant of something), of whom I once was one of the most zealous, but have since repented.

*bang *bang *bang