Tuesday, October 28, 2008

And all my research and pain have been lived through someone else. Behold...

The Dance of the Dissident Daughter.

Oh my gosh. It's creeping me out, in a good way. I believe the exact request was "DAD, show me that you love me." and then the book came in the mail from FlamingPioneer. Sometimes it wierds me out. Noone would believe that I had my thoughts before I read this book, they are so freakin' identical. It even uses a lot of the research I had done. Thanks DAD. Thanks MOM. Anyway. Now, what am I supposed to do about it? Probably throw some crap at a wall.

I started reading the Book maybe this week. I've been thinking the way I do for upward of two months. Let there be no confusion in the annals of history which came first.

If anyone wants to know what has been going on in my life. Just read that book. lol.

Sunday, October 26, 2008


I am self-destructing. I need to not, but my mind can't seem to grapple TheLargerIssue. I can't beat it, and I can't join it. My mind is paralyzed. Sleep Sleep Sleep Sleep.


I must have been seven or eight when my dad told me about Mom. He was sitting on the pink upholstered piano bench and he said that there was a Mom, but that we don't talk about her. People might make fun of our Mom.

I think he would be amazed at how much that notion occupied my thoughts from that time on. It was empowering. I made up large elaborate stories about Mom and what me and other women were going to be when we Grew Up. I had stories and stories. I would listen to music and play with dolls.
I realize now why I latched onto Sailor Moon.
I love my daddy.

I remember later, about 9 or ten, I was in a children's meeting of The Club. I remember getting angry all of a sudden in class and saying, "Why do I have to be smart, when Mom does not need to be smart.' It didn't make any sense. "Well, you don't want to be dumb, do you?", was the answer.

When I was 12 or 13; "Daddy, what good does it do that I get better math scores than the guys in my class, if they are the ones who are going to have all the jobs anyway?" My dad seemed very conflicted and confused himself. I think he had had trouble understanding this one too. He almost seemed annoyed. "Well, someone has to challenge those boys to do better in school...."

16 and 17; Daddy teaches Gospel Doctrine class and mentions that Eve was the smartest one and that he has received this from personal revelation. I love my daddy so much.

18; My Book of Mormon teacher says that we should only really listen to General Authorities, and then he laughs and roles his eyes about "the Axillary leaders". This bothered me for weeks and I talked to my friends about it. They asked me why I didn't say anything about it. I realize that I was scared to say anything to empower women.

I take a class on symbolism from LifeChanger
I take a class on film from AwareAndCharity.

19; I go through trama and notice the difference in the way that women and men are treated. Something is terribly wrong and I find myself angry at an undefined source.
I take a class on the History of Theatre from ScandinnavianNameDude.
I take a class on World History from OnceWasASurfer.

20; I go to Europe and dare myself to think outside the box. I study many different religions and hang out with LifeChanger. I get a whole method solution.
I meet WhatsHisName and get to appreciate new ways of thinking.
I discover TheLargerIssue upon close inspection.
I discover that those who fight TheLargerIssue are either defeated or are forced into exile.

Grappling with TheLargerIssue, I begin to find several small outcroppings of freedom fighters, or wounded eye rollers.
I get attacked for dealing with TheLargerIssue. I am told that if I don't like the rules of The Club, I can leave. It's starting to look ridiculously good.

DAD tells that if I read his Love Notes and have patience with others, and go through Club initiation, he'll make sure the Club Captains listen to me, but only if I'm humble and I probably won't be able to change anything big.

Leaving The Club looks better and better but I've got to listen to DAD. I'm pretty pissed right now though.

I cry and cry and cry. I wouldn't go back to blindness for the world though.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

The Chant.

I will not self-destruct. I will not self-destruct.
I can't help others if I self-destruct.
I will not self-destruct.

I have GOT to do my homework. I can not allow myslef to self-destruct, even though everything is trying to destroy me. I will not self-destruct. My Parents and Sibling will help me. I will not self-destruct. I need to work-out and not be silent any more. Scratch that. I will just have to be still for a little while and pick my battles. I will not self-destruct.

I just really want to sometimes though.

It's a little painful to think that most women go through this at a later stage is life. Am I really alone?

I wasn't always like this.

I wasn't always like this. When I created this blog, I was not like this, but I was getting there. I had a thing for George Elliot, after I had watched some dramatizations of George Elliot novels. I looked online and discovered some George Elliot quotes, which I promptly posted on my facebook wall.

And then I discovered that George Elliot was a woman.

That discovery really did not change me either. It was both gradual and sudden. A slow building up from eight-years-old to today, but as fast as lightning.

Before I had changed I named this blog after one of my favorite quotes from George Elliot. It reads.

"It is never too late to be who you might have been."

How beautiful and poetic that I picked that one. I think at the time I made this wall I just wanted a place to vent my petty woes, and I still do. Oh, I still do. But there is something about waking up to yourself that hurts. It's like giving birth to a daughter, and then running for your life while everyone tries to kill it.

Oh, TheLargerIssue.

Before went to Europe I had a very sacred experience. I got on my knees and told Heavenly Father that I would do whatever he asked me to do. I promised that I would dedicate my life to Him and be an instrument in His hands.

Now, it is my experience with God that he doesn't really postpone helping his children out. We sometimes may feel like that's what is happening, but really I have found that the second I ask for something in righteousness, the second I really need help, he begins pulling the strings immediately to make it possible. It just sometimes is a long process, but he started right when I asked.

The thing is that He really took me seriously, and gave me visions and realizations and power in ways that I sometimes wish I didn't have. I promised him though, and I need help from both my Heavenly Parents to make it through this one. I want to help. I have to help. It's a bit like Moses-God asking me to do the impossible. It's a bit like Jesus, knowing something about yourself and knowing something about how the world should be, and being entirely barred from correcting it.

God, I'm kind of mad at you right now. I'm really mad at you right now. I think you're gonna let me be though.


Someday I'll be able to put my thoughts into words.


Friday, October 24, 2008

Stuff I don't get a chance to complain about enough.

Right now I want to see "W", and Changling and The Secret Life of Bees.

I would like to own a bike.

I would like to eat some Pad Thai.

I would like to talk to Chretien about some stuff I've been thinking. He's a good guy.

I would like some more slacks and suit jackets for work.

I would like to own "The Snow Queen" -Hallmark version

I would like to catch up in all of my classes. I am currently at least one assignment behind in ALL of my classes. Ouch. And I thought I was doing so well. I may bomb this semester-but TheLargerIssue has kept me somewhat distracted, depressed and disturbed.

I would like to buy Heggedy Peg- it's a children's book. I may buy it now.

I would like to get dressed up.

I would like motivation and time to go to the gym.

I would like to have an internship next year. That would be great.

I would like to have time to read all of the books in my house.

I would like to get my Math final over with.

I would like to be able to talk to Mom.

I would like to have all my shirts ironed.

Things I have to do that I am behind on.

Complete the Dance assignment I am behind on.
Complete the Music homework I am behind on.
Complete the English assignment I am behind on.
Complete the multiply math assignments I am behind on.
Take my Math Exam.
Get a conference to discuss my other Math Exam- of wish I missed the entire back page.
Read all my library books.
Iron my shirts.
Cleaning checks.


M: Hey Mom.

HM: Hi Megan.

M: I'm not really allowed to talk to you right now.

HM: It's OK.

M: I really miss you Mom. Sometimes I think my siblings mess things up and I don't know what to do about it.
I miss Dad too.
I just really really miss you. I don't know how to fix any of this. I love you Mom.

HM: I love you too Megan.

*cry cry cry cry*

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Names I like

Dear Universe:

I may never have children, but if I do here are some names that I currently (age 20) like. This list may change, but if I were suddenly to inherit an orphanage right now, here are some possible off-the-cuff names.



Xarrissa-the "x" comes from the Chi or "X" symbol which was used as the beginning of the Romanized name of Christ.


Verona-just thought it sounded pretty...although she may be destined



Anyway. I'm sure it will change, but it seems pretty good to me.

Mine is a blog from the bowels of the BYU Elementary Education department, in which I now reside. As a Mormon, liberal, feminist, I've got some pretty interesting things to say. I'll try not to let them become negative, but since no one but me really reads this anyway...here's to me. *clink*