Saturday, October 25, 2008

I wasn't always like this.

I wasn't always like this. When I created this blog, I was not like this, but I was getting there. I had a thing for George Elliot, after I had watched some dramatizations of George Elliot novels. I looked online and discovered some George Elliot quotes, which I promptly posted on my facebook wall.

And then I discovered that George Elliot was a woman.

That discovery really did not change me either. It was both gradual and sudden. A slow building up from eight-years-old to today, but as fast as lightning.

Before I had changed I named this blog after one of my favorite quotes from George Elliot. It reads.

"It is never too late to be who you might have been."

How beautiful and poetic that I picked that one. I think at the time I made this wall I just wanted a place to vent my petty woes, and I still do. Oh, I still do. But there is something about waking up to yourself that hurts. It's like giving birth to a daughter, and then running for your life while everyone tries to kill it.

Oh, TheLargerIssue.

Before went to Europe I had a very sacred experience. I got on my knees and told Heavenly Father that I would do whatever he asked me to do. I promised that I would dedicate my life to Him and be an instrument in His hands.

Now, it is my experience with God that he doesn't really postpone helping his children out. We sometimes may feel like that's what is happening, but really I have found that the second I ask for something in righteousness, the second I really need help, he begins pulling the strings immediately to make it possible. It just sometimes is a long process, but he started right when I asked.

The thing is that He really took me seriously, and gave me visions and realizations and power in ways that I sometimes wish I didn't have. I promised him though, and I need help from both my Heavenly Parents to make it through this one. I want to help. I have to help. It's a bit like Moses-God asking me to do the impossible. It's a bit like Jesus, knowing something about yourself and knowing something about how the world should be, and being entirely barred from correcting it.

God, I'm kind of mad at you right now. I'm really mad at you right now. I think you're gonna let me be though.


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