Sunday, October 26, 2008


I must have been seven or eight when my dad told me about Mom. He was sitting on the pink upholstered piano bench and he said that there was a Mom, but that we don't talk about her. People might make fun of our Mom.

I think he would be amazed at how much that notion occupied my thoughts from that time on. It was empowering. I made up large elaborate stories about Mom and what me and other women were going to be when we Grew Up. I had stories and stories. I would listen to music and play with dolls.
I realize now why I latched onto Sailor Moon.
I love my daddy.

I remember later, about 9 or ten, I was in a children's meeting of The Club. I remember getting angry all of a sudden in class and saying, "Why do I have to be smart, when Mom does not need to be smart.' It didn't make any sense. "Well, you don't want to be dumb, do you?", was the answer.

When I was 12 or 13; "Daddy, what good does it do that I get better math scores than the guys in my class, if they are the ones who are going to have all the jobs anyway?" My dad seemed very conflicted and confused himself. I think he had had trouble understanding this one too. He almost seemed annoyed. "Well, someone has to challenge those boys to do better in school...."

16 and 17; Daddy teaches Gospel Doctrine class and mentions that Eve was the smartest one and that he has received this from personal revelation. I love my daddy so much.

18; My Book of Mormon teacher says that we should only really listen to General Authorities, and then he laughs and roles his eyes about "the Axillary leaders". This bothered me for weeks and I talked to my friends about it. They asked me why I didn't say anything about it. I realize that I was scared to say anything to empower women.

I take a class on symbolism from LifeChanger
I take a class on film from AwareAndCharity.

19; I go through trama and notice the difference in the way that women and men are treated. Something is terribly wrong and I find myself angry at an undefined source.
I take a class on the History of Theatre from ScandinnavianNameDude.
I take a class on World History from OnceWasASurfer.

20; I go to Europe and dare myself to think outside the box. I study many different religions and hang out with LifeChanger. I get a whole method solution.
I meet WhatsHisName and get to appreciate new ways of thinking.
I discover TheLargerIssue upon close inspection.
I discover that those who fight TheLargerIssue are either defeated or are forced into exile.

Grappling with TheLargerIssue, I begin to find several small outcroppings of freedom fighters, or wounded eye rollers.
I get attacked for dealing with TheLargerIssue. I am told that if I don't like the rules of The Club, I can leave. It's starting to look ridiculously good.

DAD tells that if I read his Love Notes and have patience with others, and go through Club initiation, he'll make sure the Club Captains listen to me, but only if I'm humble and I probably won't be able to change anything big.

Leaving The Club looks better and better but I've got to listen to DAD. I'm pretty pissed right now though.

I cry and cry and cry. I wouldn't go back to blindness for the world though.

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