Who You Might Have Been

Good News.

2010-06-04T08:21:00.000-07:00

I can make pretty much anything in the microwave. I've beat the system.

Those Space-Saver Hangers really do work.

Bok Choy is tolerable when eaten with something cheesy.

There are actually a lot of feature films in the BYU library. More than are listed in the catalog.

Pool is open.

I currently average at 3 dates a week. This puts me above the norm , and assuming that the distribution of dates per week in females in my area lies at or around a normal distribution, and taking into account the information I've scientifically discovered during sleepovers, this should place me, for now, about 3 standard deviations from the mean on the "positive" side.

Groupon. Groupon is good news.

Actually, I've found a lot of sweet as blogs and links as of recent. This is also good news.

While still expensive, buying flowers from a warehouse is still less expensive than buying them from a florist.

I can save my scruffed shoes of almost any color, with the help of the ridiculously wide variety of nail polish colors.

Most cheap pizza has very little sauce on it. Double win. Pizza is cheap. Pizza has very little sauce.

As promised.

2010-06-03T22:07:00.000-07:00

"I'll never change! I'm like a chameleon!..................ALWAYS A LIZARD!"
-Tracey Morgan on 30 Rock

New and updated quick list of things I like to do.

Rock climb
Arrange Flowers ( new obsession-ikebana)
Read ( Since I'm not taking University courses right now I have created a booklist and series of assignments to keep me as stressed and information saturated as I am used to)
Scuba Dive
Jump Out of High Places
Ashtanga Yoga ( "the only medieval physical-fitness art that does not involve firing crossbows at a Grendel. "- groupon.com)
Antigravity Yoga ( See image above)
Teaching kids ( let's hope I still enjoy it and that the joy is not sucked out of my soul when I actually start the job.)
Sitting around talking with educated friends
Whitewater rafting
Going to the theater
Driving ( but not the golf kind. I should really get into that though.)
Prowling the links on my blogs
making new and interesting sandwiches ( me and sandwiches had a falling out around junior high, but we are attempting to reconcile)
The western art of clothing arrangement
Listen to music
Line dry my clothes, even though it makes my towels feel like a buffalo ( and there is a reason it's not called a fluffalo)

The Chart when filled out at Midnight.

2010-05-28T23:04:00.000-07:00

Things that make me happy.

Overhearing two girls on campus talk about the merits of feminism on Women's Health.
Yoga practice, when the instructors come up and help you move deeper into your pose
My pregnant yoga instructor, and the one who always gives me a foot massage, and the one who massages us with essential oil during savasana
When engaging my bondas and focusing on my drishti actually helps me maintain my balance pose
Avocados
Museums
the fact that my friends are interesting enough to entertain me for hours just with links on facebook
scarfs, and wearing them
whitewater rafting
rock climbing
flower arrangement
finishing a long book...finally
hosting a party of all my favorite people
social dancing
that big sigh after doing something gutsy
Anglican meetings
cathedrals
steamed milk
my new bluetooth headset
Just looking at the mountains around where I live
When one of my favorite songs comes on the radio ( so much more exciting than when it's on the mp3)
packages
Documentaries and dramatizations of fights for social justice ( When good triumphs over EVIL! Bwaha!)
A select few movies
catching a wave
Finding something I've lost
Impromptu talks with friends
Asking my friends of other majors to explain aspects of their fields to me in order to answer pressing, yet unimportant, questions
Those rare moments when everything seems clear again.
ice cream

Things that make me sad.

When I have to return a book before finishing it
When people give talks on the omnipotence of prophets
When I lose stuff, like my keys ( I actually wear them on a necklace now...so, situation improved)
When no one can find my Great Barrier Reef CD.
When people say and do stupid sexist things
When people say and do stupid racist things ( I feel like it's an exercise in redundancy to write both "stupid" and "sexist" or "racist" in the same sentence....I mean, no duh.)
When I let someone else down/ inconvenience them
When something reminds me of some mistake in the past and I grimace in public for no obvious reason
When I dumb down/neutralize/simplify my conversation on social and religious topics to please the guy I'm with at the moment
When I think I'm going to have to dumb down/neutralize/ simplify my conversation for the rest of my life or never marry. That's scary, and sucks.
When I don't have time to write on all three of my blogs.
Typos that make me look illiterate
When I get nervous and start to stutter
When nothing seems clear anymore
When the guilty go unpunished ( because that is when the innocent are punished)

At what point...

2010-05-28T19:36:00.001-07:00

At what point is sacrificing my own best interest and feelings for the temporary comfort of others no longer suicidal?

I'm learning slowly, after years of conditioning to the contrary, that sometimes I'm going have to do what is good for me.

I'm going to have to firmly say no.

There will probably be yelling.

I've pretty much mastered the fine art of walking away and completely cutting myself off from things that I can't accept.

Now is the lesson on stepping up and saying "no."

Much harder, but not impossible.

Everything I need to know, I learned in Elementary School

2010-05-27T23:33:00.000-07:00

So, an easy way to help children ( or adults) develop emotional intelligence is to give them a very simple chart.

Things that make me happy.

Things that make me sad.

(to fill out later.)

Blargh.

2010-05-27T23:05:00.000-07:00

BLARGHGAHRABALARGIRARG! My life is in a constant state of LIMBO! When I go down to sign with the landlady she's all like "If I were you, I would hold out." She'd prefer someone who wants a longer contract, and someone who is possibly older, believing it to be a better fit for the neighborhood. Granted, the chick I'm buying from is only 26 and getting hitched and needs to sell her contract immediately....but I had to decline for the moment because the landlady urged.

Dear Universe: When I said "Ok, I'm gonna do this, and if it's not perfect please find a way to stop me.", and then I said "Ok, I said I'm gonna do this, even though it makes me nervous and there really isn't a way to back out....look, here I am getting into my car to drive down and sign the contract." is this what you were expecting would happen?

I'm NO QUITTER! I feel deep guilt every time I don't follow through with exactness, but this does take a load off my mind for the time being. Dangit. I'm starting to feel like an indecisive, unstable person....the very thing I hate! Poetic, Universe. You were always poetic.

Well, back to the drawing board and I'll see how this goes. I can hang around until August if I need to.

Ok Ok.....I'm going to play a game. I'm just going to trust you on this one. Kind of like bungee jumping. Also, please help Tina find someone to sell to, if it isn't me.

Interesting, no?

2010-05-26T20:56:00.000-07:00

http://www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html

Conversation.

2010-05-26T20:09:00.000-07:00

Hi God. I'm in distress.

Oh, trusty Megan. I can always count on you to talk to me when you are in distress.

Hey, I talk to you all the time.

You are in distress all the time. When are you ever not panicking unnecessarily about something?

True. Also, don't you think it's weird that panicking has a "k" in it, cause I do. Well, anyway, you told me not to date that one guy and to move to the city ( assuming that was you and not my own particular brand of neurosis...eh? Could you give me some sort of signal of acknowledgment?).

...*Shrug*

...That'll work...so I did a little bit of looking and I found THIS *holds up posterboard with picture of new apartment on it*, where I get my own room *points*, possibly my own office *points*, a newly renovated kitchen and bathroom, a student ward, and close to the freeway and closer to work, commuting against the flow of traffic. It's as close as I can get to my work without living in suburbs with no one my age and east enough that I won't be living in a ghetto. And all of this for less than it would cost me to get a shared room where I live now.

*Silence*

So, whatdaya think? How was my choice.

It was OK.

OK! You mean not STUPENDOUS! EXCELLENT! ALL OF YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!!!!...JUST OK! *begins breathing into a paper bag*

.....Meh. Yep. A pretty middling OK choice.

AHHHH! But I don't want to do anything just OK. I'm supposed to be the best of the best. I'm supposed to make perfect, flawless choices which lead me straight onto the golden paved path of victory! I can't handle mere "OK" choices! *returns to bag....also, reaches for oreos*

I said it was OK!

No, I've FAILED! *back of hand slapped to forehead, body draped over couch dramatically*

You're gonna be alright.

My destiny is RUINED!

You're gonna be alright. If you really need to, you can make a change. You're gonna be alright.

Mumble mumble mumble crunch crunch mumble mumble

Sorry, I...I didn't catch that between all the oreos.

I said "You keep saying that like it's true."

It is true.

I really hope so.

Good on you, Megan. That's the first step to not being in a completely self-created vegetative state. Now put down those oreos.

*shakes head frantically and clutches oreos*

Meeeegaan?

*puts down oreos. Immediately puts on music*

...and turn off that music....

*Slowly, turns down music to mute*

See, isn't this nice? For like, six seconds stop using these coping mechanisms and see the world is not such a scary place. Now you can get back to being awesome.

*Looks around* Ya, the world really isn't so bad. Well.....it was good talking to you.

Same here Megan.

Ciao.

Sigh....well I'm still a little scared...(*Voice from above* That's OK.)...Amen.

Ok....

More than I can chew... (and technically, I can't even chew one entire book. Too fibrous.).

2010-05-26T16:41:00.001-07:00

Goodreads....currently reading:

John Adams

Chick Living

Eat, Pray, Love

An inconvenient book

Glenn Beck's Common Sense

Freakonomics

Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria?

The Art of Floral Design

Committed

Get a Financial Life

Deceptively Delicious

French Women Don't Get Fat

Bonk

Curly Girl

Dude.

2010-05-25T00:27:00.001-07:00

Dude. I need sleep.

A few random thoughts, written at 1:00 AM, about why I miss the Air Force and why I'm scared of my new grown-up life

2010-05-24T08:49:00.000-07:00

I'm much less devil-may-care than I thought I was.

I'm scared. What if I do something wrong? A recent conversation with a friend has solidified a thought I've been having for a long while.

My Mormon culture can sometimes make me paranoid. What, with all the stories in which God directs a person not to, so much as, turn down a certain street, accept a certain job or eat a certain flavor of popsicle, all resulting with the avoidance of a life altering disaster.

Now I sit around at night wondering if I was supposed to turn left instead of right. Was I buying produce when I should have been in the cereal aisle , meeting my eternal companion? If I had just clicked three more times on KSL would I have been drawn to another apartment where I was supposed to be? If I had just drunk more water on Tuesday, I could have been en route to the bathroom, and been able to help that lady tie her son's shoes, sparking a thought pattern in his young brain which would lead to a life of service and a sweeping grassroots political movement, creating the peaceful society of the future....but I forgot my water bottle, and I ignored that feeling to go back and get it.

I have to come to terms with whether I believe in a God who would allow me to throw off my destiny and screw up my life when I'm making rational decisions with my human brain, even when I'm trying my very best to do the right thing and do what God would approve of.

I used to not believe such a disaster could occur. It was, in my mind, almost completely outside of the realm of physics that one could fail when trying one's darndest.

Let me explain. My entire life, from my conception through college, I've been an Air Force Officer's Daughter. Let me explain, as candidly as possible, what this looks like.

I never saw an adult who had messed up, permanently. I didn't know those people. I never knew or saw an unemployed person in my city/town/neighborhood/ward in my entire young life. I never saw a truly overweight or sickly person. Not one. No provider in my neighborhood had not graduated from college, and all had multiple degrees. All were in the prime of health. All were considered among the most brilliant in their fields. No one in my world was older than 60. Not one. People who grow up with wards where little old ladies and gentlemen slowly pass away, where people are obese, unemployed, and have failed ( really failed) at things in life....just so you know, I never had that experience.

And it wasn't as if this was just a coincidence of suburban culture, where this can happen periodically. No, these things were separated from me by institution, by law. The unemployed, the obese, the elderly, the uncollege-educated didn't live in my neighborhood....because they weren't allowed to. For the most part, they weren't even allowed in my town ( known as a base). It's hard to admit, but I never knew an adult who had made, or been allowed to make, a complete faceplant in the mud of life.

An entire world of winners. People with the ability and ,honestly, solid hard work and self-control and the education not to mess things up beyond repair, or fall and not get up. Even enlisted personnel( who lived in different neighborhoods than me), those who had not graduated from college, were coming from hard places and bettering themselves, preparing for college and honorable careers.

In the school system I was separated further from others, placed on the upper, then Gifted Tracks. I knew of a few people who "face planted" in High School, but I never knew them personally. And, to be honest, they were mostly spoiled middle-class white kids, who had no one to blame for their failure except themselves, and who chose to stay down after they threw themselves there.

It's ok to mess up, if you immediately correct course. And we all make little errors, choosing a Good thing when a slightly better/more fun course might have been available....taking pottery instead of drama , Education instead of Political Science, attending the children's benefit ball with James instead of Habitat for Humanity with Tyler. Good choice vs. Good choice.

But a face plant----- A complete life failure, like beating a kid to a pulp because you don't like his face and getting put in jail, raping a girl, dating a jerk and getting pregnant so he won't leave you, dropping out of high school to become a full-time employee at Smith's cause you'd rather have the money, doing drugs, driving drunk, leaving your educated wife for your 19-year-old secretary, hurting your children, embezzling funds, suicide because a lover scorns you, becoming addicted to something, destroying your marriage, drinking bleach to see how it feels, blowing all your money on meth, tasing a girl you are attracted to and trying to stick her in a box---these can be avoided, but somehow are not by a distressingly large percentage of the population.

None of whom I knew growing up.

Everyone has regrets- Good choice vs. Good choice. Regrets just aren't healthy. A lot more people than I thought have face plants- Obviously Bad Choice over Plethora of Good Choices.

Now, this is not to say that I ever developed a mentality that all who suffer from poor conditions deserve it. In fact, believe it or not, I was raised on a pretty heavy diet of social justice in my progressive schools. We lived in a world where we were given every opportunity to succeed . Those who took away another person's opportunity to better themselves, based on anything besides effort, needed to be removed from that position of power, expeditiously. Racism, Sexism..."enemy targeted."

My childhood had mottos plastered on walls, shopping centers, signs, and emblems: "Failure is not an option.", "Excellence in All We Do.", "Integrity First", "Excellence in action...always", "Peace through Strength" and "Any Task, Any Place, Anywhere."

For me, these were more than mottos. In fact, I'm going to say that for most people raised in my little corners of the world, these were lifestyles. I honestly believe them, and attempt to live by them. They ring in my head and come out of my mouth.

But now that I'm in college, I've met people who know more face planters. I've heard tale of college graduates, so down on their luck they laid down on train-tracks and killed themselves. I've heard of people who die alone, people who fail in their chosen line of work, people who are forced to give up their dreams because of social conditioning, graduates who work at convenience stores to pay the rent, those who want families and never get to have them, those who married poorly ( both literally and figuratively), people who drown in debt and people who die, depressed and exhibiting bleak, self-destructive behavior all the way down to the grave.

Face-planters.

And all of a sudden it seems dangerously possible to become one. I really hope I stay logically aware of what an obviously bad choice looks like.

I'm scared.

But hey, "Failure is not an option."

Below: a lot of common mantras in the Air Force. And to me these are not just cute little sayings. My thoughts filter through these ideas just as much as they filter through my Christian traditions (that's right, even stuff like "Win or Die."). Imagine, if you would, how these are applied in my mind each day when put up against things like social injustice, personal failure and discouragement. Ya, suddenly my zeal is explained, even to myself.

Integrity First

Excellence in All We Do

"No one comes close"

"Libertatem Defendimus"
("Liberty We Defend")
2nd Bomber Wing (2nd BW)

"Aut Vincere Aut Mors"
("Win or Die")
1st Fighter Wing (1st FW)

"Return With Honor"
31st squadron

"Tutor et Ultor"
("Defender and Avenger")
49th Fighter Wing (49th FW)

"One team, one mission!"
37th Training Wing, Lackland Air Force Base Texas

"Cum Grano Salis"
("With a grain of salt")
VS-38, Air Antisubmarine Squadron "Red Griffins"

"In God we trust: All others we monitor"
5th Reconnaissance Squadron (5th RS)

"Combat Ready Combat Proven"
463d (AMXS) Aircraft Maintenance Squadron
Little Rock Air Force Base, Arkansas
C-130E and C-130H / Air Mobility Command

"These things we do that others may live"
- USAF Pararescue

"Excellence in action .... Always"
91 Security Forces Group (SFG)
Minot AFB, ND

"Any Task, Any Place, Anywhere."
460th Security Forces Squadron, Denver, CO
United States Air Force Space Command

Air Force's Strategic Air Command (SAC's) 4245th Strategic Wing, had the motto of
"Peace Through Strength"
Air Force's Strategic Air Command (SAC's)
USAF SAC Original motto was "War is our Profession Peace is our Product"
"Peace is our Profession" was adopted about 12 years after the formation of SAC

Two days ago.

2010-05-22T11:57:00.000-07:00

"What day is it?"

"The twentieth."

"Oh my gosh!"

"What!"

"I've only got five more days to finish my yogurt before it expires!"

My life is mundane.

On making a decision....

2010-05-19T07:24:00.000-07:00

"Oh, General, an indecisive mind is one of the greatest misfortunes that can befall an army, how often have I lamented it this campaign. . . . you have decision, a quality often wanted in minds otherwise valuable."

-Joseph Reed, writing ,not to General Washington, whose aide de camp he was, but to General Lee, the other general in The Revolution

"We are going to DIE!"

-What I'm sure went through General Washington's brain at least five times a day.

I find myself at a crossroads. This is that scary part of my life where I feel like a single wrong turn, any small deviation, will end up in a life I don't want. It all comes down to making smart, informed decisions. Quickly.

It's kind of like George Washington during the American Revolution. While honorable, honest ( a friend of his own conscience, if not cherry trees), appropriately stoic, and intelligent- he was also indecisive. It was important stuff he was dealing with ....the lives of human beings and the fate of a Nation, but again and again the records of his aides de camp, soldiers, friends and even his rivals ( Lee...cough cough) speak of a desire to do anything at all. Surely action, any action, was better than waiting to be annihilated by the most powerful military in the world. As John Adams wrote, when awoken by the sounds of gunfire coming from an assault on Charlestown, not knowing whether the Americans were on the attack or defense, "But in either case, I rejoice, for defeat appears to me preferable to total inaction."

And so here I sit, trying to fight the Revolution of Megan Independence. Not unlike the Continental Congress, we American twenty-somethings continue to declare our independence just when everything is turning sour for us. We're poor, hormonal, often single, or even worse "newlyweds." We have only limited resources. None of our friends have gained enough prestige to make networking effective. We lack confidence and experience. We often lose our battles, and our keys. When we sever ourselves from our strong, established parent-rulers there is no longer a net to catch us when we fall, and this just when one choice in life has the potential to make or break us for the rest of our lives.

But if that net isn't there to catch us, it's also not there to tangle us up, or mark boundaries where we can and cannot climb.

We do have energy. Lots of energy. And while we lack confidence and hope at times, we can, with amazing rapidity, invert it to a near arrogance and sense of invincibility. That's right. All those things you hate about twenty-somethings;the crazy energy, running through the grocery store, dance parties until 3:00 AM, the assertion that we know everything including more than you, the bungy jumping and other activities that illustrate an inability to grasp our own mortality, our almost heartless shuffle through friends and lovers.......all those things you hate, that's all we've got to work with. And we're paying for your social security.

And now it's important that I'm able to act quickly, make decisions and be ready to change direction in a split second. And yet, I'm feeling a little paralyzed. I want to make decisions now, sign that contract, buy that car, say yes to that guy, leave that cognitively dissonant lifestyle, drop that inconvenient person, - even if it's rash, even if it's wrong, because I'd rather be moving forward in any direction than standing still, keeping in mind that my nature is more inclined to dramatic and new movements. And yet now I wait, like George Washington did, and I wait for more intelligence, more confidence in my course. A car, a home, a relationship, a belief, or a person is a lot harder to reverse at a moment's notice, and a wrong decision at this point could, in theory, wipe out the entire Megan-ental Army and the "glorious cause of [personal] liberty." So I'm sitting, sitting on my hands like those kindergartners trying not to eat those marshmallows. I want to sign that contract, buy that car, hit that block button, and take that test. I want it so bad that I'm sweating. I'm sweating because I have to wait a day ( a whole DAY....the cosmos was created in less time!) to look at and figure out if I want to move to one of those apartments in the city, while contracts are going fast in my suburb. And a day of inaction could mean the difference between victory and defeat. And sometimes I have to deal with the fact that sometimes doing nothing, moving forward by staying in the same place, can be the wise decision.

A modern Mr. Darcy or a manipulative villain....

2010-05-19T01:24:00.000-07:00

"From the first moment I met you, your arrogance and conceit, your selfish disdain for the feelings of others made me realize that you were the last man in the world I could ever be prevailed upon to marry. "- Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice

Is he really as big a creep as he seems? I can't freakin' read this guy.

I think he's just a pompous creep. He should just date my tolerant friends who might remain unaware or ignore such behavior.

The Return

2010-04-25T12:28:00.000-07:00

New Address:

Stillnoneofyourbusiness, Nameofcity, Nation
Number IcantbelieveyouSTILLhonestlythinkidtellyou Street
Northern Hemisphere

Hello All.

2010-02-26T18:42:00.000-08:00

So, I don't write often for three reasons. The first being that I don't have a lot of internet in my life right now. The second reason is that I don't have a lot of time in my life...ever. The third is a pretty new one. After a little internet scannage, and a surprisingly vocal call on all my blogs, often from complete strangers, for a return to posting, I found a lot more people read what I type than I thought. So "hello" to all 345 separate readers of my blog. I didn't even know I knew 345 people.....and I certainly didn't expect you to care. I'm sure this includes family, old high school friends, college buddies, guyfriends, girlfriends, potential friends and boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, and (disconcertingly) ex-boyfriends' parents and siblings, and a fair amount of stalkers. Hi, how are you? Glad to hear it. You're pretty much welcome any time....but usually I've got nothing to say, or nothing you should take seriously. In fact, for the most part I'm pretty embarrassed ( but not *embarassado*) that you are probably reading this, typoed, random, and completely incohesive and immature as it is. But nevertheless, feel free to browse around, and glean deep thoughts and assumptions into my psyche and behavior from random samplings of obviously filtered musings which only happen when I am bored. Welcome all.

If you want to get a hold of me I live at

Noneofyoutbusiness, Nameofcity, Nation
Number Icantbelieveyouhonestlythinkidtellyou Street
Southern Hemisphere

Now, just to make it easier on everyone I'll try to help you out a bit. Soooooo...if you want to get to know me, and what is really going on inside this Megan head of mine, I'll give you some resources.

TAHI! ( One)
You should probably read this. Besides the traditional Judeo-Christian texts and Mormon canon, this book has probably been the most influential to me. So, lets say, theoretically, you were like, "Hey, Megan would be a cool person to know. In fact I think that I'd like to meet her and make her a permanent part of my life." ( NOTE: people who are already my friends and family....you get a free pass. You already know me and I already ADORE you), then it would be a really really ( that's right. 2 "really"s) good idea to read this book.

DOS! ( Two)
SO, let's say you are pressed for time, have finished the above book, or are just into great scholarly reading...then you should probably read THIS ( Don't let the name throw you.), which is an excellent collection of articles by Mormon scholars about Mormon history and social issues with regards to women. Conveniently collected and transcribed for the reading public ( that would be you and I....reading public), you can also get it in book form....so that when I see you on the train I'll be like "There sits a cool person", but it's free in a link.

SAN! ( Three)
Aight. I also enjoy travel and Oreos, surfing, performing, hiking, dancing, and sitting around listening to music and reading, scuba diving, religious theory, slankets, and social justice...equally. I enjoy reading non-fiction ( Current book: 1776), and doing new things....so in like a week this list of things I enjoy doing will probably change....because I am afraid that if I say I only like one thing, that I will have blocked myself off from other things, and/or that people will always think of me in a one dimensional way- like that one time I said I wanted a watch for my birthday and got 6 watches.

Any other questions? Good. Glad I got that sorted out."

Pepeha

2010-02-01T01:57:00.000-08:00

Ko Au Tenei

Ko Meegan Taku Ingoa

Ko Waitakere Range taku Maunga

Ko Pacifika taku moana

Ko Opanoku taku awa

Ko Waitakere taku marae

Ko kiwi taku iwi

Ko aoteroa taky waka

Ko david me valene taku Matua

Ko Meegan taku ingoa

Kia ora koutou katoa

( Try saying THAT everytime you meet someone!)

Dear Grammatical Errors

2010-01-24T01:00:00.000-08:00

"Hey you! Ya you! Grammatical Errors! How did you get on my blog?"

"Well, your keyboard is slow and so sometimes only half of what you type shows up. Also, sometimes spellcheck isn't automatic when you work on Explorer and not Firefox....so you don't even know I'm here until it's TOO LATE!"

"Well, beat it punk! You are bringing down the whole tone of the neighborhood. "

"THEN... there's the fact that you only have internet for maybe, like, an hour a day and none on most days. When you finally get online you are usually so pressed for time and paniced that you forget to check for me. But I'm THERE. I'm always there."

"But I always catch up with you in the end Grammatical Errors. You can't hide for long."

"Sure. But only AFTER everyone has already SEEN ME! BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!"

Dear Internet

2010-01-19T22:00:00.000-08:00

"Hi Internet!"

"Hi Megan."

"I....um....I haven't seen you in a while."

"I know, Megan. For serious! Where have you BEEN!"

"I...I....I've been seeing other activities."

"What? But...I thought I was your one and only."

"I know Internet, I know. It's just....you've been so in...inaccessible these past weeks. I just feel like I can't....I just don't think we've had the connection we had in the past. It used to be that we'd hook up all the time. Now, if I'm lucky, I can see you for maaaaaybe an hour a day. I can't be in this kind of relationship."

"What? Do you think I'm not meeting any of your needs?"

"Well, here's the thing internet. After seeing activities like the beach, and forest walk, I start to wonder if maybe seperation would be good for me. But then I always find myself coing back to you. I'd fight for you internet. I ride public transportation, and walk half an hour uphill, carrying my laptop, just to get a taste of you.

"So, I'm going to try to make an effort to be more productive when I'm with you. Maybe you can still fullfill my needs...if I just get less demanding.
Plus, the food here is great."

GOODBYE BLOGGER- until after finals.

2009-12-06T08:20:00.000-08:00

Hem Hem.

Goodbye Blogger- until after finals.

Hopefully I'll see you again- in like two weeks.

-Megan

Drop Everything

2009-12-05T10:40:00.001-08:00

"I am an echo of the eternal cry of 'Let there be!'"
- Eve in "Children of Eden"

Drop everything and go and see this play tonight. I think that tonight is the last night.
Go and see it. Just, stop what you're doing and buy a ticket. Paper-shmaper- it can wait.

Quick Thoughts

No sexist tale of coming from a rib nonsense- both male and female created together at the same time (as the biblical account actually says- believe it or not! Gen 1:27
Eve played her part a little ditzy
Pretty positive notion of Eve though- in the long run- for a non- mormon perspective
BYU vocal talent makes the broadway soundtrack sound like a high school garage band. I can't buy the soundtrack now.
Very cool to see a dramatic version of God- with passions and "gasp" even a few flaws
It's more a story about God, as a parent, and how one learns to deal with children who can disappoint and think for themselves, than it is about the actual children
Both Adam and Eve name the animals- rock on
I still can't get "Spark of Creation" out of my head
Still no Divine Feminine- someday I will direct this and make some changes- but God was such and intriguing character and had such an excellent voice in this production that I'm gonna let it slide
Great message of agency. No seriously. Great message of agency- I'm still thinking about it.
The line "Dear God, we know that you don't talk to us anymore." railed against all of my Mormon sensibilities. I may have actually taken a non-conscious audible intake of breath when it was said. Still- it does feel like that sometimes, doesn't it?
Did I mention the vocalists?

Revision of last post: Actually asked on 5 dates this week and attended two- both with TallBlondeVocalist- one Salt Lake concert, one dinner at Spark.

I still need to write on 7-10 page paper, one 5 page paper, one impressive 5 day lesson plan, and who KNOWS what else.

Oh, and don't let me forget to talk about the interesting thing that happened yesterday- cause I don't have time to right now.

AHHHHH!

2009-12-03T17:00:00.000-08:00

I do NOT have time to do what I need to do. I am going to DIE (metaphorically....well, I'm sure I'll die someday...)!

Also, why can't I ever spell awful correctly (aweful anyone?)?.

On a happier note, I made Malibu chicken today for the dinner group. Everyone ate until they couldn't walk (especially DentalSchoolMan since he is on crutches.). This is the mark of a winning dinner. I score.

The social rundown...
Asked out on three dates this week, but could only attend one, with TallBlondeVocalist, to a concert in Salt Lake. I'm averaging about one concert a week. Pretty nice.
Every other day was booked. I am going to see Children of Eden tonight...I'll probably write something about it if it inspires me. I also get to go to "Celebration of Christmas" on Saturday- which should be fun and...festive...?

Today I had my video interview for job internships. I was told I did very well and that I had "quite a vocabulary." I am still trying to figure out what that means (?).

Hopefully I will be able to get a good job- most likely in the Jordan district. I'm thinking of living in Salt Lake City, which has always been my plan. If I don't get a good internship here, I am garunteed one in Washington D.C.- but without pay. Anything without pay is rapidly becoming not my favorite thing. Even so, the good District is probably my favorite city in the world.

Dear East-Coast:
Wait for me.

-Megan

Tomorrow I've got to do two important things. I've got to somehow teach a seminary lesson, and write a 7-10 page paper. Good luck me....I will not sleep this entire night.

Life is exhausting- but the only thing I hate more than exhaustion is failure.

Another thing- working on maintaining and developing new relationships takes a lot of work, particularly since I will be about as far- hemispherically- as I can possibly get in about four weeks. As a result, I've been in an open relationship for a while. This makes things a bit confusing for all parties involved- but since this is just fun mode, it could always be worse.

Egad! I've got to go now and see Children of Eden. Halestorm awaits.

And...it's my Dad's birthday. Happy Birthday DAD!

Here, for you listening pleasure, is the new Megan Harris song of the week- David Archuleta (from the concert I saw), singing the most beautiful version of Fields of Gold I've ever heard.

Confession # 3493

2009-12-01T19:12:00.000-08:00

Why is my class arguing the merits of the "Big Bang" theory? Did that girl just say that "I, personally, like to believe that when the tropical birds were created, that it was God letting the kindergartners let loose."(?!) Is this my university astrophysics class? Where...am...I?

Granted, quite a few intelligent comments...but why is this even an issue?

I will just sit here nicely and type.

Confession # 3492

2009-12-01T18:39:00.000-08:00

I have a sudden hankering to dance around to the gosh-aweful song "rumors" by Lindsay Lohan.

Should I be ashamed? I think I should be ashamed.

A Video by Deborah Tannen- my favorite linguist...so far.

2009-12-01T08:57:00.000-08:00

So, today in my linguistics class (yes, I take a linguistics class, along with my astro-physics class...I am a moron.) we watched a very enlightening video by Deborah Tannen. While I couldn't seem to find the video, in its glorious entirety, online, I did find the first two segments. I'm still sad that the last parts, which I found the most enlightening, are not online, but the video is in the BYU library, and I expect to be renting it and watching it soon...and, if I can get my technilogically gifted friends to give me a hint, I might be able to put the whole thing on youtube.

Run Down

2009-11-29T16:05:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I've been really busy recently (what else is new?), so I've decided that I'm just going to write in a stream o' consciousness sort of way. I am watching a movie and talking to friends. Spelling and grammatical errors galore and, I expect, some unfortunate repetition of words. Here goes.

"We are gonna celebrate being young and being alive."
-Miles, in "The Holiday"

In no particular order.

I went on a double date with CaptAmerica, Halestorm, TallBlondeVocalist, and I. We saw Nine. TallBlondeVocalist also bought me a box of Edward Cullen conversation hearts. The hearts all say appropriately creepy things like "Bite Me", "4 Ever", and "I Want U". It was the most hilarious present I've gotten in a while. The box has a great picture of Edward sulking sexily on the cover. It is staring at me right now.

I always have a great time with those guys.

Nine has very impressive animation. Nine also is a bit pompous. If you care to challenge me on this, try to talk about some plot the movie made without sounding pompous. Too little character development and a bit of a cliched plot- but the nerd that I am always appreciates a good metaphor for humanity. Also, a shocking number of dead human bodies.

I've started scuba diving a lot. Two dives just this weekend. Both into natural hot spring cavernous waters. Some pioneers dropped a wagon wheel into the deepest part a century or so ago. I should have some pretty awesome pictures of me, scuba diving, with pioneer artifacts.

The first day I went in I wore a wetsuit. Since it was a natural hot spring, I feared death by boiling, so I took it off. After the dive I noticed the the suit had managed to be pretty shifty in all three important places. Chances are I flashed my instructor in all three important ways. I hope he is skilled in keeping pictures family friendly, or I'll have a very interesting scuba memories to share.

Nevertheless, I dove a lot.

My family came down for Thanksgiving. It was awesome. I love my family.

Lots of food- I made a pie.

Captain Handsome broke down. Captain Handsome broke down on the first day I was needed to teach school, since my mentor teacher had her baby early. Right when Captain Handsome broke down a button popped off of my coat. I looked up to heaven and sighed.

The Captain's clutch had broken. Some mechanic owed my grandpa "a favor." I got the thing fixed for 20 bucks. I am starting to wonder if my grandpa is a mob boss (?).

Somehow the dude was able to drive my car, without a functioning clutch, all the way to American Fork. Mechanics know magic.

Another note, if you are reading one of your favorite blogs, and you see a link and you don't think it is that person you know because they have a very common name and you know someone else who writes on that blog with the same name as them...just don't click on the link. It is always that person.

So, I've decided to start Celebrating Saint Catherine of Alexandria's feast day (which is on the 25th of November) because she is my favorite. I changed my profile picture on facebook to her for the whole day.

Saint Catherine's feast is celebrated by food, but is also a big day for unmarried women (whether over or under 25, all the books and sites seem to disagree), called "Catherinettes", who are then traditionally "crowned", honored, and get to have big parties. Over time the tradition morphed into a thing where unmarried women get to party and buy cool new hats to wear the whole day. I took Halestorm out and we bought great Saint Catherine's Day hats. My hat is the coolest. Your hats cry at night, wishing they were my hat. So sorry.

On the social scene- invited to one play, two times, one movie three times and another movie once, and a concert (which I saw on Catherine's Day), which was very impressive and fun.

Ya, I didn't mention that I went to a concert too. Pictures should be coming to a facebook near you.

I bought some perscriptionless glasses too. He he he.

I am now working two jobs, taking 15.5 credits, and maintain new relationships while getting ready to become a kiwi.

Also, watched the BYU/Utah game on a giant screen, with a screaming uncle. Amazing game.

When I woke up on game day, to go to my early moring deep open dive, I noticed that someone had written "Go Utes" on every car in the parking lot in red window paint.

It was a long and scary drive. I wonder how many BYU people kicked my car as they passed by.

I...I am sure that I am forgetting something. Oh well. Just trying to give everyone a little sample of what has been going on in the past week.

And here, for everyone's rockin' out advantage, is the she-heard-on-the-radio Megan Harris song of the week!

VH1 TV Shows Music Videos Celebrity Photos News & Gossip

If only.

2009-11-20T18:52:00.000-08:00

http://the-exponent.com/2009/11/20/fascinating-manhood-fireside/

Movie

2009-11-19T18:18:00.000-08:00

Silly girl. A vampire will neither love nor protect you.

-random t-shirt

I am going with a group of Twilight fans to see New Moon.

I have never even read the book.

My heaven have mercy on us all.

Road Trip!

2009-11-13T06:50:00.000-08:00

"Oh sweet two-feet-from-where-I-just-was!"

-strongbad

So, due to some new changes in plans, two of the original road-trip members are now unable to make it. This means i will be driving hundreds of miles with a person of the good-looking brown-eyed type who is significantly taller (and I will assume stronger and more adept at moving large objects) than I. There may also be be in attendence Halestorm, to act as general safety and chastity buddy...but knowing the Hal, perhaps I need a chastity buddy for me and my chastity buddy. lol. I'm hoping both other road-trip attendees will kind of just cancel each other out.

Now, while I am heading down mainly to finish my Praxis Exam, I do plan to get some shopping done, maybe see a show, and enjoy the warm, warm weather. It'll be great. even more great if there is some sort of disaster...since then we can have some sort of inside joke, and awesome tale to tell.

Let's just hope it doesn't end up like the Strongbad e-mail below.

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail156.html

True Story

2009-11-07T11:20:00.000-08:00

"I want to be a Royal Canadian Mountie!"

-Diana, in hysterics, from the Award Winning British Play "Absent Friends"

The last few weeks have been an uncharacteristic (or...characteristic...depending on when you knew me or in what periods of time you remember me most) whirlwind of social engagements. Literally. Every single night for the past two weeks has been a social engagement. Parties, dances, drinks, dinners, plays and movies.

I was asked on five dates within a two-day period. I have seen a movie, a concert, a play, a dance, and been taken out to dinner twice. I've hosted two parties, gotten back together with Gym Buddies, and added an extra class. Tonight I have to go to another meeting (Save the WRI!), and I'm going on another dinner date. Two days ago I went on a date to see "Absent Friends" and then was made homemade cheesecake.

On the topic of "Absent Friends" ,it had some very interesting points regarding the realities of friendship, what broken people look like in their thirties, the different ways people destroy themselves and each other, and how the person who has faced the most traditional loss is also the one who turned out the most mentally stable. Quick, someone see it! It's still at the H-FAC. You all know I count on plays for my social insurance!

So, as I passed by the H-FAC to buy some tickets for another social excursion (Celebration of Christmas...my boy TallBlondVocalist expects me to attend and cheer him on.) I thought, "I need a break." The thing about social excursions is that, while they are great distractions, great fun, and create new relationships with an efficiency Henry Ford would be proud of, there needs to be about a 1 to 10 ratio. I need at least one hour of self-time and introspection for every ten social.

So, after buying my Christmas Tickets, I bought a single ticket to the Interpretive Dance Concert. I mean, what could be more peaceful, insightful, and calming than a whole night ,alone, with Interpretive Rhythmic Movement and myself? I really do like dance. Besides, I was starting to get worried that I hadn't experienced any (like any) strong emotions regarding a recent event. Maybe, I deduced, if I had a second alone I could process some things and figure out if I was moving on too fast. This seemed a healthy plan.

I announced to the masses that I wished to schedule nothing on Friday night, and that I was going to take some time to myself. That afternoon a friend called and invited me to the very same dance concert. I told the friend that I had already purchased a ticket. My friend attempted to purchase a ticket at the door, but found that the entire weekend was sold out. Waving goodbye, I began to search for my seat.

Running into several people I knew, I made small talk on my way to my seat.

"Oh expletive.", my neurons shouted as I noticed the presence of a most disliked, and unexpected guest. "How annoying.", my other neurons sighed, shrugging their electrically charged synapses. I immediately turned around and headed back down to the hallway, and milled about for a little while, suddenly wishing that I had left with my friend instead.

How a kick-trash lady, such as myself, ever ends up in these nightmares, I've no idea.

As the lights dimmed, I decided that ,as it was a large seating area and dim theater, chances of running into/getting recognized by anyone unpleasant would be small. That was until I found my seat....directly behind the irksome entity. Like, literally, exactly one row behind. Exactly. Lined up perfectly. So much for meaningful art-induced introspection. Now I was just embarrassed and perturbed. A long stream of catty comments, harsh rhetoric, and plain old-fashioned obscenities circled in my head until the lights dimmed and I was enclosed in the warm cocoon of music.

During intermission I was asked on another date.

Empowerment and the Body

2009-11-06T22:07:00.000-08:00

So, for the last few days I have been using the rather useful "My Monthly Cycles" program which is free online. It tells me everything, from hormonal symptoms which should be due on each day, to my fertility cycle, to my menstruation, all on a calendar. There is something profoundly empowering about suddenly understanding what is going on with this body of mine. Now I can just look at a calender and figure it out. Each day I get e-mails to remind me to enter my statistics and symptoms, including temperature. Oh awesome female body! I love really getting you!

There is something cool about knowing, and understanding, and speaking the language of one's own person. As I now understand the stars, and know the reasons for their changes, and can predict their movements, so it is becoming with my body. I feel kind of old-school in an ancient healer type of way. Just an ancient healer with a digital calendar. :)

Men's Chorus Date

2009-11-03T14:45:00.001-08:00

*Shaking hips like an automaton"Dancing Santa."*

Men's Chorus Date, Men's Chorus Date, Men's Chorus Date, hey hey hey hey!

I'm excited. *sheepishly dragging foot in circular motion on floor while looking shyly upward*

Sorry. I had to remove the dates. They just didn't look very appetizing.

Pres. UCHTDORF!

2009-11-01T20:08:00.000-08:00

Fireside for Young Adults
Marriot Center
Nov. 1, 2009

Dear Pres. Uchtdorf:

Way to stand up for questioners! Way to have such a positive outlook, and be genuinely eternally centered and uplifting! After a hard day of church I really needed that Pres. Uchtdorf!

Excellent Conference talk by the way. If you don't do anything too crazy during your administration, I'll name one of my house plants and/or adopted orphans ( sorry, I try not to do dogs, out of kindness to the dogs. I mean have you seen my houseplants? Me neither. I would take care of orphans though, cause they are fresh minds to mold.) after you.

Though I am glad I had a date to your talk, so that I didn't have a guilt trip. :)

-Ms. Megan Harris

Bright Star

2009-11-01T15:41:00.000-08:00

There are very few movies I would see twice.

This one qualifies.

Not to say it was the single most brilliant piece of cinematic craft I've ever seen. It is simple and beautiful yet ridiculously compelling. Ridiculously. What the Japanese would call "wabi sabi".

While painfully beautiful it is not devoid of human lightness, irony and humor- including a rather hilarious sequence involving a Valentine...well, at least hilarious to me. It's still up for debate whether Valentines ( or emotions) were really that insanely serious back then. But then again, I've seen and heard funnier things in this *ahem* most rational and exalted day. Bright Star shows that life was just as strange and invigorating, slow and fast, as it is today.

On another note- Jane Campion's cinematography, will you marry me?

Quick, seriously. Grab a date and go! Seriously! Go by yourself if you must! There is enough hot English chastity in this film to compensate for any actual hot American chastity you might be experiencing with a date.

Seperately, regarding "Let the right one in."- Swedish Film

Bright Star is much more romantic than "Let the right one in.", though it is also painfully beautiful.

"Right One" seemed, to me, to delve gently into areas of sexual ambiguity ,not of orientation but of actual organs. What is a person when you can't define them but love them? How does the ambitiousness change your relationship?

The Ambiguity theme carried on into the violence of the vampire child. Can two children share a tender kiss while one is completely covered in the blood of its last victim? Can you hurt someone simply by putting them where they are not invited? To the point of bleeding out of the ears, mouth and eyes? "Right One" challenged me with paradoxical images...at least paradoxical on the mainstream screen. Beautiful violent children. Humans making vampires bleed. A daughter sucking her father's blood and throwing him out of a seventh story window, out of love. A romance without sexual organs.
Dang, I haven't been so confused since the bound-to-fail dating techniques of Nosferatu.

Dang, I've got to go. I'm having people over soon!

Something to Consider FW:

2009-11-01T10:52:00.000-08:00

http://pintosbeans.wordpress.com/2009/10/29/something-to-consider/

GREG MORTENSON!

2009-10-27T08:43:00.000-07:00

Greg Mortenson is here at BYU. At this very minute.

Homework....you'll have to wait.

Worst Week in a Long While

2009-09-24T21:18:00.000-07:00

Sunday: Cruising down from the Salt Lake temple, not really paying attention in the carpool lane. First ticket. 15 miles over the speed limit. I was just lucky I guess. Even luckier that I didn't have my license with me (it was in the scanner at work, where I had scanned it for a government document). Even luckier that it had expired. Lucky Lucky me. Day one....then

every check I've written in the last three months was apparently cashed, all in one weekend. Not expecting this, I didn't check my account. Two "overdraft protection notice" alerts later...I'm like, who ate my entire checking account!

I've officially had to get a ride to the DMV...twice...in order to get a new license. And each time I sat there for two hours and have had to leave before being served due to work or class.

Two Exams.

Miata falls terribly ill. Uncool. Uncool. Especially because I can do nothing about it.

Decided to get my mind off things by going to the gym. The gym has, apparently, been renovating and has been charging 15 bucks every six months ...to my old credit card, which is now expired. They have not been telling me this. I have apparently been charged a late fee as well, since the uninformed charges to the expired card have seemed to come up with nothing. Once I got in the weight room, I noticed my shirt was on backwards. I worked out in it anyway. On the way home, as I crossed the crosswalk, someone honked at me. I shot her/him a look of death. They probably cried on the way home, that look was so dark.

That and various young love emotional garbage betwixt me and his highness The Prince of Monaco, have left me feeling a little ragged. I think that I just get all my pain at once, so that the rest of the month can sail smoothly.

Dream or Nightmare?

2009-08-25T17:55:00.001-07:00

I'm currently out on the town with my sister and mom. I've just come from a stake and shrimp dinner, complete with key lime pie. I am about to go to the theater, and I am staying in nice, posh quarters. Is my life a dream or what?

The woman in charge of setting up my schedule for the upcoming semester has not e-mailed me back. I've still got to finish my NZ application. It seems very unlikely that I will be able to finish my schooling by the end of next summer due to a university inspired lack of available spots. The resulting unnecessary extra semester throws off many large plans. This blog has been acting freake' when opened on explorer, so I may have to go without witty pictures for a while. I haven't written on my other blogs in forever. I'm still stuck in my old job. Is my life a nightmare or what?

My relationship is making me "fluffy."

2009-08-12T10:10:00.000-07:00

--"Yummy"
-thought that goes through Megan's head the most when hanging out with her significant other...for more reasons than one.

The realization started when a beloved high school friend decided to tag me in some photos from the illustrious Ohio senior year. At the time, I was all but romantically involved with a suitor I shall call "School." Now School and hung out all the time . When I wasn't at School's place, I was thinking about School, planning when I'd see School again, and trying desperately to stay in School's good graces. To be fair, School was pretty into me. There were weeks, months, nay....semesters, when it felt like I couldn't get School off of me. School and I were tight. My parents and a good number of my friends were very supportive of my strong relationship with School. I really invested in School my senior year though, and much to my horror, it showed. Photographically, it showed. Since I really wasn't attempting to attract other potential relationships, all the pictures of School and I featured yours truly in dreadful sweats, hair amok. The worst part though was the general increase in how...um....cuddly I looked in some of these photos. Now, nothing grotesque, and I was probably about the same size as now...it was really more of a lack of sportswomanish physique than anything. School and I used to have a very active relationship, playing sports, jogging to school...but beginning in my junior year, and culminating in the senior one, School and I resigned ourselves to more...sedentary/literary pastimes. I kindly untagged (wince).
But really, who could blame me! Such extravagant lunches. So many competition brunches, long debate trips graced with celebration dinners, and not to mention every kid with a cupcake-happy mom had a birthday...and six periods of birthday-laden classes at that!
Once I got to college I started dating gentlemen of a less metaphorical variety. This was even worse. People Relationships are the homes of the dreaded trifecta-

A: Boys are nice. Attractive boys are nicer. I would not be in a relationship with unattractive boys. Being near attractive boys fills me with fuzzy endorphins, contentment and a “smile while rolling around in the sun for hours” feeling seldom seen since the Land of the Lotus Eaters. So, after spending an afternoon or evening with a boyfriend I usually spend the next three hours draped over a couch eating chocolates and humming romantic show tunes. This is not conducive to an active, healthy lifestyle.

B. Relationships are accompanied by a bizarre, but unavoidable, desire to be with the other almost all of the time. I have a gym membership. The significant other does not. Due to dietary choices and genetic lottery winnings, he is blessed with things like “upper-body strength” and “a lean, sexy core”, naturally. Once a relationship is entered into, the gym becomes part of the “utterly undesirable activities which require separation from boyfriend” list, right between “Shoot self in thigh.” and “Go to the moon.”

C. Boyfriends reciprocally tend to find me attractive. This leads to the doubly detrimental behavior of providing me with food and telling me they find me attractive no matter what. So now, instead of my single life, plagued with with an imaginary voice forever warning me of health-depleting caloric intake and potential boy- repulsing “fluffiness”, I am now plagued with an actual voice inviting me over for cheesecake, while commenting how much he enjoys how “soft” my stomach is.

So...

2009-07-26T23:30:00.001-07:00

I am very tired, and I do not want to get up and face the world. Too bad the world has been askin' for it.

Dear Universe

2009-07-18T21:12:00.000-07:00

Universe: Hey Megan.

Megan: I don't want to talk to you right now.

Universe: What? Why? You usually can't wait to talk to me.

Megan: Are you trying to kill me?

Universe: Well...I suppose in the very looooong run, yes, but in the short term I kind of like you living...plus you've got that Jesus guy.

Megan: Well, then explain to me how I could have my keys in my hand this morning, and not this evening.

Universe: Well, an object at rest stays at rest....

Megan: Come now, none of that. Where are my keys! For serious. This charade stopped being funny like a loooooong time ago.

Universe: Well, I'm sure they're somewhere around here.

Megan: Well, you are the Universe, for cryin' out loud. Can't you tell me where they are?

Universe: *blink blink* Do you have ANY idea how much is going on with me right now.

Megan: Ya, well, I sometimes forget how big you are.

Universe: Are you calling me fat?

Megan: No, more like "ever expanding." I'm sure it's all muscle though.

Universe: Darn right. Hey, didn't you get like five copies of your keys just in case this happened.

Megan: Yep. Bad news being that none of them seem work in the ignition.

Universe: Well...wow. That does bite something fierce.

Megan: This begs the interesting question of whether or not I was created to do anything right. I mean, I try my best, but everything seems to go wrong anyway. I mean, I spend about 90 percent of my day worrying about stuff- like hard core. Are there people in the Universe who don't worry all that often?

Universe: Yes. But they're usually dead, or about to be. But really Megan, you've got great friends who love you and are waaaay nicer to you than you are to them, you're surviving school, you have an income, and what about that pretty boy you got recently.

Megan: You're right. I really like him.

Universe: And your family is really great too, and really love you.

Megan: Maybe you're right universe. Maybe I really do have it really really good, and so far nothing has killed me yet. Everything really does seem to work out....except me on certain days. *self-amused chuckle*

Oh, and I just found my keys.

Projects

2009-07-18T13:22:00.000-07:00

"Due-bee Due-be Due"
- Megan's brain crooning like Frank Sinatra while the teacher keeps talking about all the things that are due in the next week. Brain, keepin' me entertained.

Monday- large paper defending my position on whether or not english language acquisition strategies ought to be taught.
Large Presentation given defending my position on in-service teaching in low ELL school districts

Tuesday- Create a large project center teaching a basic idea of the SIOP program
Doctor's appointment that morning

Wed- Large paper of death designed to kill me, presenting project with ELL families
Project Presentation

Thursday-
Large Presentation on vocabulary teaching
Large project on creating centers based on verisimilitude as related to war of the worlds, using the topic of "optical illusion"

Friday- Go to the zoo

During all of this I still have to go to work...where there resides an "all-powerful" and condescending creature of death who does not seem to be happy until all the joy is sucked out of my day. True story.

It's me again.

2009-07-16T20:27:00.001-07:00

It's me again. You know it's me because I'm going to make a very personal complaint that only a Megan would know.

Falling asleep in your makeup two days in a row is a bad plan.

See. I'm back.

Happiness

2009-06-10T19:17:00.001-07:00

No matter how little I've eaten...

2009-06-09T15:28:00.000-07:00

"What doesn't kill me, doesn't kill me."
-Next to Normal

No matter how little I've eaten that day, or how small the servings actually are, or how much broccoli and freshly picked basil I've added to it...eating an entire bowl of "Cars" shaped macaroni and cheese always makes me feel like a third grader on the high road to heart disease.

Without fail.

Every time.

Adventures in Zebra Eyebrows and Other Fabulous Experiences.

2009-06-04T20:03:00.000-07:00

So, my original black eyebrows are growing back in, mixed in with the blonditude of the others. Right now I suffer from a kind of zebra-brow, with dark black and blonde mixing in strange patterns. Now, no one really seems to notice except me, but I tell ya, I have had my eyes opened to the intricacies of eyebrow hair growth. I can now see, in detail, how fast they grow, and naturally fall out, and where the growth is at the highest rate. Consider it part of my ever growing body-awareness.

Nevertheless, I still look presentable.

On another note, as I slowly free myself from the chrysalis that is my 18 credit school schedule, and my recent Language Acquisition Science and School Law Class exploits this summer, I've noticed that my social life looked a little like my under-nourished mint plant....that is...undernourished. So, I've decided to try to up my social comings and goings and get back to that happy place of never ending parties which may or may not have actually existed in my high school experience (I think I overworked myself then too.).

At the same time I am attempting to broaden my friend base with the many groups of new and interesting people I have come across in my various journeys.

This Just In: I like people.

I like likeable people, that is. Darn shame that I only seem to know likeable people. I fantasize about being some sort of monarch/president/benevolent tyrant where I can pick a cabinet of counselors and cabinet members- because my friend base is skilled, talented, beautiful, and widely (wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidely) diverse in interests. Just once, I want to (while wearing something impressively chic) turn and say "I'll have to discuss it with my counselors." and then retreat a few paces, and whisper contemplatively with a few select friends and associates, carefully balancing their wise and knowledgeable opinions into the perfect solution.

I have boring fantasies.

Also, LittleSister....your graduation invitation is come. Not only are you a genius, but beautiful. I can't wait to hang out with you and have adventures when you come on down.

MusicallyDerivedName it was lovely to speak with you and celebrate your birthday-even if I was "crazy-eye" tired and spoke nothing of interest the entire time. If you take over the world before I, I promise to be better as a member of the cabinet.

Miata, "Who ate my entire PIE!"
I adored shopping with you, and watching that great movie. So sorry that homework swallowed you today (homework swallows me for months at a time...like Pinocchio.), and perhaps we should go swimming at my pool (which is now heated! Bwahaha!) sometime. Bring the lovely Kreme girl while you are at it. I shall add her to my friend-pertoire (like repertoire...but a replaced first syllable).

Anyway-I've got to go and speak to my dear man Jim (sigh...the Gym) who I haven't seen in a while due to my Timp-o-bogus fall earlier last month.

Adventures in Blonde Eyebrows

2009-05-24T23:32:00.001-07:00

So, having run out of astringent, I thought to myself ,"Hey, I still have all that Hydrogen Peroxide in my medicine cabinet...I will use that." So, for the last week and a half, I have ended my cleaning routine with a lovely swab of H2O2. The results for my skin have been fantastic. The cleansing has been thorough and the healing has been quick...but here's the unexpected side effect.

Blonde Eyebrows

Bright Blonde Eyebrows.

Now, I knew that H2O2 had bleaching properties. All those "Oxy-Clean/Wash/Magic Potions" include H2O2. Anne Frank used H2O2 to bleach the darker hair on her face. But I didn't expect results so drastic, so quickly. My eyebrows are several shades lighter than my actual hair. It looks kind of freaky. I have attempted to remedy this problem by spraying my hair with a diluted H2O2 solution every morning, and hope that since the eyebrow to head hair ratio has a higher turnover, the eyebrows might even out over time with the slower lightening of my hair.

But that's just the first of it.

Now, I never grew up with blonde eyebrows. I always had dark ones, which I have slowly adapted to.

Blonde eyebrows on me look kinda bushy. They blend in with my already hyper-white skin tone, so my forehead is becoming one giant brow. The lighter color also draws the eye to them, accentuating their natural fullness. It gets even harder to tame them, since when I went to wax the babies, I couldn't tell where to start. With dark eyebrows, at least I could see when I had brow-o-clock shadow. Now, it's just a rather bushy-looking brow-mystery (brow-stery?).

Now, I'll be the first to admit that ,after some highly calculated time, when I look good I can look GOOD....but when I look bad.....I look BAAAAAAAAAD. Seriously.

An excellent example being all the rather unflattering shots I've had to untag (with the clicking speed and attitude of one playing a violent computer game... "Die Zombie Photos DIE!") of my recent excursion to Capitol Reef National Park and Goblin Valley State Park.

It rained the whole time, and when I'm focusing on outcome (like hiking or education) I care very very little for how I look...as long as I live under the delusion that I look dang good. Nothing like a little slap in the face with the reality fish . ( " Great, pictures! Let me see! Hey, where'd my chin go? Who invited that unflattering extra padding on my person! What is THAT! That can be photoshoped, right?")

But by far the strangest thing was the blonde...blonde eyebrows.

Elizabeth Gilbert on Nurturing Creativity

2009-05-22T09:41:00.000-07:00

I am behind on EVERYTHING!

2009-05-20T19:55:00.000-07:00

I really wish that I was articulate and brave. Oh, the things I could do if I enjoyed writing and had all the time in the world.

Wait....actually, I do have all the time in the world...I just fill it with busy stuff. I need to meditate (something I do for half an hour...once a week...maybe...oh, be quiet!) and chill out....the only problem being that my meditation always looks a little something like THIS...

A funny thing happened...

2009-05-18T22:41:00.000-07:00

So, while taking a stroll around campus tonight, a hidden cat LEAPED out of a garbage can not 6 inches from my person. I screamed really loudly. Everyone within 100 feet saw and heard the nefarious cat-tack. Freaked me out.

Also, at work today, I sat down in my sturdy four legged rolly chair...and promptly fell over backwards.

Sturdy MY FOOT....no seriously...my foot was the only sturdy thing in the room. Between chair-batoge and cat-tacks I'm starting to wonder if I've cheated death or something, and the universe is just trying to catch up.

The President of the United States Speaks to College Graduates: And even cynical Megan was impressed

2009-05-14T05:52:00.000-07:00

Time-Lapse Across China

2009-05-13T11:37:00.000-07:00

Time-Lapse Across China

Mental Vacation

2009-05-11T13:43:00.000-07:00

So, I've decided to take a mental vacation...because I can't take a real one. I do this periodically. I just pretend that nothing I do matters (then I do it anyway), and it almost feels... kinda like... a break... of some kind. Updates will continue after I finish my homework. And man, am I behind on my other blogs or what!

Tru Dat!

2009-05-11T13:39:00.000-07:00

The tru dat link of the day is here.

Break ( "There's a double meaning in that.")

2009-05-11T05:23:00.000-07:00

-I wanna free fall out into nothing. I wanna leave this world for a while.
-John Mayer

So, I'm hitting the point of "run and hide" exhaustion. Like, I need a vacation... from life. Seriously. Not to say I haven't hit this point many times before. It's just this time, I get the feeling that if I'm not careful I might actually die...at least on the inside.

I'm getting lost in everything (Homework? What homework?), and there are days when I swear I could just sit, comatose, on my bed all day, and just watch the world go by. There are other days when I want to run, screaming, out to anywhere. Just away.

I need a break I think. A big loooooooong break.

Discovery

2009-05-10T16:34:00.000-07:00

OK OK...if you eat an apple at the same time you eat a twix...it's just like a chocolate covered Caramel Apple...but for a busy person...such as I.

Brains!

2009-05-09T19:44:00.001-07:00

ah HA!

2009-05-05T20:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I run into a blog post that really just talks about some things that have really bugged me for a long time. While no one can really express my opinions as well as I can (they being my opinions and all), I will post three articles that address things I've been too lazy (not unimpassioned) to post myself.

Here

and

Here

and

Here

2009-05-04T20:53:00.001-07:00

Dear My Dark Deep and Negative Thoughts:

You are no longer invited to the party that is my mind. Nobody likes you.

Sincerely,
Megan

Awesome Person: Tatiana Proskouriakoff

2009-05-02T19:29:00.001-07:00

Tatiana Proskouriakoff is today's awesome, don't ignore,intelligent fabulous, fashionable, and just plain cool person of the day.

I'm always keeping my eyes open for cool people. I found her here
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/programs/ht/tm/3506.html?site=20&pl=qt&rate=hi&ch=1

Just go about half way through the link.

Man, some people are just so cool.

Adventure Megan

2009-05-01T18:56:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me say that I got all A's, so my scholarship is sounding pretty solid right now. Horray! Now i am down to a very interesting point. Whether it is better to go to New Zealand and then do a year-long internship in Mexico (more adventure, plus it forces me to learn Spanish...which is by far the sexiest thing that ever happened to a principal's resume since those chic leather portfolio cases, and those sexy-administrator pencil skirts (check and ...check).

Another point of interest is that I've contracted a virus...the uutdoor adventure virus. I had felt the bug coming on as early as my grand British Excursion of 08' but my recent trip the Zion National Park has sealed the deal. Be careful, I may or may not be contagious.

I've decided that I want to go on more and more adventures. Next trip...perhaps Arches National Park...or there is lots o' hiking/camping at the Navajo Nation (another place where I could teach).

I actually went into Sportsman's warehouse, and here is the rundown; 200 dollar sleeping bag...for 50 dollars on sale, coasteering (mountaineering, but on the coast) wetsuit on sale for 40$, five person tent for $130.

I want them all. I want to GO ON AN ADVENTURE!

I'm also on the hunt for a nice mountain bike. Those babes sometimes price up to 400 and 500 dollars. I shall save up.

It's women's conference today, and campus is packed, particularly the BYU bookstore. Another thing it is packed with is fine art from Cassandra Barney (daughter of James C. Christiansen...one of my favorite mormon artists...of which there are few. There were quite a few pieces of art there...running from 50 to 3000 bucks. When I grow up and have a big-kid life (oh, dang...that's practically now.) I want a few things.
A: A master's degree
B: Adventures...lots of adventures. Adventures that involve beautiful scenery, new places, and the awesome sleeping bag I'm going to buy.
C: Lot's of beautiful framed artwork all over the house. In pretty dark-wood frames with gold accents.
D: A bookshelf full of pretty leather-bound classics...which I will have read, and another of great theological works.

also..a sexy hybrid car. But I'd be willing to give up all of this stuff for just a life of peace, you know? Real peace...and adventures.

Scared Spitless

2009-04-30T20:44:00.000-07:00

So, I am scared spitless right now. I haven't even looked at my grades yet. I've put it off until I was able to finish a few other big projects, but now I must look and see. Three or four of the classes did not post scores up on blackboard, and I wax worried, because I never can tell how I did. I know I've got an A on a few...but the other ones can spring up outta nowhere and eat your offspring if you're not careful. Anyway...ramble...how I ramble...

Goodnight everyone. I hope someday to be chill about life.

New Pleasing People

2009-04-28T21:37:00.000-07:00

So, I've decided that The Weepies, the Indie band extraordinaire, is now on my list of pleasing people whose coolness I would like to emulate, and whose talents I love to adore.

To the right you can hear their song "I've gotta have you."

You shall be as in love as I.

Also, I hiked all over Zion National Park with 8 of the coolest people I have ever met...and I had awesome adventures.

I shan't speak of it now, as I am tired, and on my way to a late night gym touch-and-go.

I just thought I like to say I love you all.

The Middle of Freaking April!

2009-04-15T13:40:00.000-07:00

Three Things I wish I could do.

2009-04-15T01:44:00.001-07:00

I often suffer from a lack of self-expression outlets. Here are three things I honestly wish I could do.

Sing-like really sing. Sing the songs I love, belting them high and loud so that they sound great. I wish I could display my passions, particularly my religious ones (I really like "come thou fount" and "press forward saints", and "Oh my father" to the tune of "come thou fount"...and "truth reflects upon our senses"). So yes, I really wish I could sing.

Write Plays- Every time I see a moving play, I always think...I have so many great ideas...I wish I could write a play about it. Nothing reaches the heart like theater. Maybe I'll take a play-writing class...just to develope the skill..not that I'd ever be great, but it would a prime outlet for a Megan.

Express Myself well verbally- So many awesome, flawless opinions...so much stupid mouth. If only I had the gift of persuassion...oh the things I'd persuade. Bwahahaha.

Simple

2009-04-12T19:05:00.001-07:00

“Three Rules of Work: Out of clutter find simplicity; From discord find harmony; In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”

-Albert Einstein

So, I've been thinking about simplicity, and how my life doesn't really have it anymore...and how I want it so badly. Not that I would ever change the growth I've had during the complicated times, but I wish things would be simple again. How simple? It's an interesting question. Since the simplicity I knew before became so painfully complex because it was flawed, then the simplicity I want now is not the same.

It's a simplicity that I have to find and create on my own. Maybe that's what growing up is? Simplicity followed by complication then a battle back to a new, better, simplicity, which then becomes complicated. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Perhaps that is what Christ did, from a God, in all his glorious, perfect simplicity, to a man in this complicated world, to a glorious simple Godhood, greater because of the complications it overcame.

Humor is simplicity, solution is simplicity. I intersperse my complicated life with simple thoughts, laughs, songs and dances. The longer I live I find that simplicity is rest, and complication is work, and the juxtaposition is what we call joy.

Thinking Link of the Week

2009-04-10T08:55:00.000-07:00

http://the-exponent.com/2009/04/08/idealistic-pragmatic-and-cynical-feminists-who-stays-who-goes/

Better.

2009-04-09T07:21:00.000-07:00

"Will you feel better, better, better?"

Regina Spektor

Yes. Yes I will Regina.

Apparently the teacher has already gotten complaints, and the grades have been improved. Not great....but a little bit better.

Situation Improved.

Not perfect, but improved.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

2009-04-08T10:40:00.001-07:00

AHHHHHHHHHH!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
HOW IS THAT SCORE EVEN POSSIBLE!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

What am I gonna do?

The Quorum

2009-04-06T21:10:00.000-07:00

I hope others saw the massive type-o in the Daily Universe.

This morning, if you got the paper, in bold lettering, on the front page, beneath a picture of the 12 was the most fabulous front page hilarity of all time...

"The Quorum of the Twelve Apostates"

I kid you not.

They had to pull all the papers and replaced them by the afternoon...but man...I've seen the originals.

Some times we silly mortals make me smile.

All Nighter.

2009-04-06T18:02:00.000-07:00

"It don't really matter. When life gets that much harder, it makes you that much stronger."
-Carrie Underwood

So, tonight is gonna be an ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL-NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTER! (*woot*)

Now, while it is often said that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I dunno. I tend to think that what doesn't kill you makes it much more likely that you'll die sooner. Ejemplo-

Person: *BANG* Ha! I shot you! If you live through this...just think of how strong you'll be!

*Two months later...standing by the victim, being sustained by an iron lung*

Person: Well...Hm. I wonder why that didn't work.

I've had more papers assigned than I can currently handle...and I'd like to say that I've procrastinated....but I haven't . I've been doing my assignments with all the time that has been available. That time would be....*looks at calender*...oh...today. This evening actually.

Now, we shall either see a disaster or a miracle. Will the Megan overcome the odds, and strained emotions (Mind: "Oh! Nobody LIKES ME!" Brain:"Oh, shut up. Dramaqueen.") and finish so many papers and a large presentation due tomorrow? Tune in next time.

Also...the guy ahead of me in line bought the last Passover ticket. I am now on the waiting list.

Don't worry. So far, nothing has killed me. :D

Thought provoking link of the day.

2009-04-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

Today's thought provoking link of the day is from ZD. Below.
http://zelophehadsdaughters.com/2008/12/29/the-problem-of-eves-submission/

See...being a weirdo like me is beneficial!

2009-04-04T22:30:00.001-07:00

"I'm so glad that I'll never fit in. That will never be me."
-Pink

For your reading pleasure I offer this interesting scientific discovery from BYU.

No wait....since I know none of you will click on the link...I will break Blog-iquette by just copy-pasting it here. Click on the link too, for good measure..plus there are some pretty fantastic pictures..and the site might track its hits. So be nice.

News Release
Hire a Dwight Schrute for a better-performing team, prof

Nobody wants to share a cubicle with a new hire like Dwight Schrute. The beet-farming volunteer sheriff's deputy/paper salesman creates many awkward moments because of his differences with co-workers on NBC's "The Office."
But according to new research co-authored by a Brigham Young University business professor, better decisions come from teams that include a "socially distinct newcomer." That's psychology-speak for someone who is different enough to bump other team members out of their comfort zones.

Researchers noticed this effect after conducting a traditional group problem-solving experiment. The twist was that a newcomer was added to each group about five minutes into their deliberations. And when the newcomer was a social outsider, teams were more likely to solve the problem successfully.

The research is published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
"One of the most-cited benefits of diversity is the infusion of new ideas and perspectives," said study co-author Katie Liljenquist, assistant professor of organizational leadership at BYU's Marriott School of Management. "And while that very often is true, we found the mere presence of a newcomer who is socially distinct can really shake up the group dynamic. That leads to discomfort, but also to a better process that ultimately yields superior outcomes."
The key factor is simply whether newcomers are distinct in some way from the other group members.

"Remember, socially 'distinct' doesn't necessarily mean socially 'inept,'" says Liljenquist, whose co-authors on the paper are Katherine Phillips of Northwestern's Kellogg School of Management and Margaret Neale of Stanford's Graduate School of Business. "Dwight's upbringing and past work history - in addition to his bobblehead doll collection - all contribute to the measure of diversity he brings to 'The Office' melting pot."

The paper adds a new wrinkle to the wealth of research on teams, says Melissa Thomas-Hunt, associate professor at Cornell's Johnson School of Management.

"[This research] is groundbreaking in that it highlights that the benefits of disparate knowledge in a team can be unleashed when newcomers actually share opinions of knowledge with old-timers but are socially different," Thomas-Hunt says. "It is the tension between social dissimilarity and opinion similarity that prompts heightened effectiveness in diverse teams."
What explains the results?

According to Liljenquist, newcomers in the experiment didn't necessarily ask tougher questions, possess novel information, or doggedly maintain a conflicting point of view. Just being there was enough to change the dynamic among old-timers who shared a common identity.
When a member of the group discovered that he agreed with the new outsider, he felt alienated from his fellow old-timers - consequently, he was very motivated to explain his point of view on its merits so that his peers wouldn't lump him in with the outsider.
The person who found himself disagreeing with the in-group - and instead agreeing with an outsider - felt very uncomfortable. An opinion alliance with an outsider put his social ties with other team members at risk.

"Socially, that can be very threatening," Liljenquist says. "These folks are driven to say, 'Wait, the fact that I disagree with this outsider doesn't make me weird. Something more is going on here; let's figure out what's at the root of our disagreement.' The group then tends to analyze differing opinions and critical information much more thoroughly, and that facilitates much better decision-making results."

Another revelation

The experiment also revealed a fallacy in the assumptions we make about our own effectiveness in groups. The subjects in the experiment were members of different fraternities and sororities. In general, when the newcomer was from the same sorority or fraternity as the other team members, the group reported that it worked well together, but was less likely to correctly solve the problem.

In contrast, when the newcomer was a member of a rival sorority or fraternity, the opposite was true - these groups felt they worked together less effectively, yet they significantly outperformed socially homogenous groups.

"What's really distinct about this research is that, from a self-reporting perspective, what people perceive to be beneficial turns out to be dead wrong," Liljenquist says. "The teams that felt they worked least effectively together were ironically the top performers!"

In the workplace

Common "social distinctions" in today's workplace, Liljenquist says, would include:
• One employee from accounting working on a team in which everyone else is from sales
• An employee of a company that had just been bought out finding herself on a team of people from the acquiring firm

• An out-of-stater finding himself on a team full of natives of the company's home state
To help employees in those situations cope, managers would be wise to explain that such conflict can actually generate better results.

"Without that information people just assume, 'This is really uncomfortable. My team obviously must not be working effectively,'" Liljenquist says. "The experience in diverse teams may not always be a feel-good session, but if employees know that from the outset, they can better deal with inevitable conflicts and recognize the potential benefits - that the affective pains can translate to real performance gains."

Although Liljenquist acknowledges many other cases for diversity in the workplace, she contends that "reaping the benefits of diverse workgroups doesn't necessarily require that newcomers bring unique perspectives or expertise to the table. Simply having people around us who differ on some dimension ¬- whether it is functional background, education, race or even a different fraternity - drives a very different decision-making process at a group level because of the social and emotional conflict we experience in their presence."

Say what you need to say.

2009-04-03T19:39:00.000-07:00

"You better know that in the end, it's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again."
-John Mayer

Now, I am a Megan of the thinking variety. However, if I had a nickel for every minute of the past few years I sat, crippled by fear and anxiety, when I should have been sharing an important, relevant thought and opinion of my own...I would go diving in them like Scrooge McDuck.

Usually, the thoughts can't be shortened into one sentence pithy statements. They are often very personal. They often need to be said to people who are close to me.
And writing all my thoughts on my various blogs is both tedious and scarey.

Then again, we had a whole lesson in Sunday School about not being afraid to say what you need to say. I shouldn't be so afraid...should I?

Actually yes I should...but that's called bravery Megan...bravery.

Hey Look...Megan can objectivfy people too!

2009-04-03T12:25:00.000-07:00

Ok....I have a confession to make. I find these men strikingly handsome. Like...wow. There...I said it.

So,here is the guy on the Katy Perry Video. I also think that he is on "Kyle XY". He is incredibly good looking. Like...seriously. This is not to say that other people can't be good looking without looking like him...for example...my current interest (how are ya?) but since we of the female gender have been recently accused of having low hormonal drives...I just thought I'd prove you wrong...*looks at all three videos again*...ya..very very wrong.

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

and the guy on beyonce's video...

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

and the lead singer of the All American Rejects as seen here (Language warning...but just look at him...in fact...in this music video there are two of him.) Yaaaaaaa.

Dilemma!

2009-04-02T09:58:00.000-07:00

Internship in DC this summer on Literacy.
or
Take classes to finish my minor and flex courses.
This summer could go two different ways. I'll have to consult the oracle.

Dilemma.

The Megan Thought (Pride) Cycle

2009-03-31T23:54:00.000-07:00

"And still this emptiness persists."
- Colin Hays

Morning- GAH! I am such an idiot! I shouldn't get out of bed.
Later- I am surrounded by idiots. They shouldn't have gotten out of bed.
Later- No wait, they are actually smarter than I thought! I am an idiot. I wish I could go to bed.
Later- No, they are ignorant and don't understand their own rational. I am surrounded by idiots. They should go home and stay there.
Later- I am a mean bad person for thinking that and I don't know that much either. I function out of a false sense of importance, and all-important pomposity! GAH! I am such an idiot. I'm going to bed.

Morning- GAH! I am such an idiot! I shouldn't get out of bed.

Emotional Megans Should Wear Mood Rings

2009-03-31T20:12:00.000-07:00

Why am I crying? I never cry. My tears are made of the blood of angels and unicorns, and are only seen by the pure in heart...or the rare public sightings of my tears would so indicate.

Oh, it's because I just got struck with a fist load of dread that no matter how hard I try to write this paper...it is going to be a B or worse. Oh, "waaaaaah!", you sarcastically decry...but a B means a lot when you depend on a scholarship. A heck of a lot.

Having experienced unexplained failure multiple times...I now have no confidence in myself on this matter.

Writing is probably the biggest fear in my life...well that and marrying a chauvinist.
Unlucky for me, I am at a conservative religious university...a place where both chauvinists and papers abound.

Dang.

Well.......shucks.....

2009-03-31T15:28:00.001-07:00

Don't ask "Why me?" but ask "What now?"
- Joseph B. Wirthlin

Ode to the sure thing re-hire to my old job...now DASHED against the rocky cliffs... due to the fact that one of the current employees has decided to stay on hire instead of going home for the spring-summer.

Hem Hem.

"I hope something terrible happens to you
or something decently good happens to me as a result of this.
Or both."

Now I must (no..no...think positive.."get to" ya... "get to") look for a new super-fun-learning-experience-hobby-for-pay...otherwise known as a job. This has the potential of becoming "Not my week."

It's snowing...and my car is moving from side to side..but my steering wheel is not.

2009-03-30T07:19:00.001-07:00

Oh, Ode to the gas tank that insists that it is full of gas by clicking the nozzel off...when it obviously is not full.

Oh, Ode to the dreadful winter weather that comes in spring and makes the roads slick and scary!

Oh!

Front Right Tire! Why do you always lose air faster than the other tires....for no explainable reason...and with stunning consistancy and frequency!

SO it is to be WAR between us!

Cyber-spying

2009-03-28T20:06:00.000-07:00

My "art of the day" ( see below on my blog extras to the right) reads minds.

I kid you not.

I wrote a post on Isabella and the Pot of Basil. The next day's art: Isabella and the Pot of Basil.

I talk on the phone about the book Possession. As soon as I get home the "art of the day" is "The Beguiling of Merlin"...the cover art for Possession.

Other such coincidences have occurred again and again.

Ever get the feeling that someone...is watching...you?

Sleep, My Anti-Everything

2009-03-27T21:24:00.000-07:00

"Go away world!"
-Thought most often processed right before or after four hour long "power nap".

This is beginning to get disturbing. The last time I slept this much, I was under a lot lot lot of stress.

I am starting to ponder on the possibility that my subconscious mind knows when I've hit my breaking point before my body and conscious mind even feel tired.

I think I'm getting internally overworked, and like my little toshiba, I turn off automatically when overheated, or forced to process at too many gigabytes (Toshiba: "And NOW she wants to watch the Colbert Report! What does she think I AM! A freakin' MAC!")

I have been getting home for the past two weeks... promptly falling asleep for three or four hours after linner (lunch-dinner). I think that I am running from my responsibilities...and reality.

This brings up a few moral/ethical questions to my mind, which I will hash out on a few of the other blogs I co-publish.

Anyway, so, I just woke up...and it's 10:00...PM.

I think I'll go to the gym and start my day now. I've got cleaning checks in the morning, a test to take tomorrow, and tons and tons of papers to write.

I'm in "The Little Engine That Could" mode right now. It's the best I can do...during my waking hours.

ENTJ

2009-03-26T21:42:00.000-07:00

A dear friend of mine recently posted their Myers-Briggs score and some implications.
I thought I'd do the same, in the hopes that I might bring a knowing smile to those who know me, and maybe clear up a few things for my ex-boyfriends, co-workers, teachers and acquaintances.

I am an ENTJ. Truth be told, I hadn't looked at my qualities in a while. When I read them again today, it brought a smile to my face.

Here is a brief description, from the site http://www.personality-power-for-everyday-living.com/ENTJ.html...which is not the official...but get's it pretty well. If you want to get me even more...than you can look up ENTJ's.

ENTJ Definition of Personality Equals “Vision + Drive + Leadership”

The definition of personality for the ENTJ includes the drive to logically analyze people, events, the world and bring everything into order.

You may have come here from the MBTI “words to describe personality” page and you know or suspicion that your personality type is Extraverted with Intuition, Thinking and Judging, because you have taken the Myers-Briggs personality assessment test. Or you may be here because someone you care about is this type. That being the case you can discover many qualities, traits or characteristics describing this personality type on this page.

BASICS

I’m going to present ENTJ qualities in a list format because I have found reading a paragraph when you are digging for some important, quick information, can be difficult, well it can be irritating! So let us take a look at a list of personality traits for ENTJs. This type:

Is the one type that cannot, not LEAD….life’s natural leaders
Will willingly direct others toward the goals/objectives they have set
Is very decisive and clear about values
Is naturally driven to push people and organizations to get things done
Lives for decisions, closure, cannot stand disorganization
Is a natural skeptic and will question most things
Is very willing to take on responsibility and get things organized and moving forward
Sees meanings, patterns, possibilities in all things, future efforts
Are energetic planners, builders, with future orientation.
Powerfully sees the natural logical weaknesses in most situations, will tirelessly work and drive others to fix them
Is not adverse to conflict will fact it head on

Now do you see yourself/someone else in the above basic list of personality traits??

What we really begin to see with personality type is emerging patterns of behaving and using our brains. The ENTJ way is natural, instinctive, beautiful, created to be this way. Let us continue.

Mottos Are Fun

For the ENTJ these mottos or things to put on their battle flag might be: “Just Do It! “I’m In Control-All Will Be Well” “Strategic Planner Lives Here”, to name a few.

Let us make another list of personality traits, ENTJs:

Are curious intellectually and enjoy new ideas
Are very utilitarian and pragmatic despite their natural orientation toward the future
Will have difficulty (sometimes great difficulty) with those unable/unwilling to emote
Will set high goals for themselves and others
Enjoy planning for the possibilities in most things and for most people
Highly value achievement
Deeply value autonomy and respect power and authority…want it also
Thinking is symbolic, metaphorical, they see meaning in all things

Now, my friend, the ENTJ not only behaves in the above manner…THEY NATURALLY EXPECT EVERYONE ELSE TO DO THE SAME!!

So, what happens when they see that many others do not behave that way?? (only 3-5% of America’s population is this type) Answer: Different levels of stress, confusion, irritation, etc.; typically nothing this type can’t handle. So, this is a NATURAL reaction on the part of this type, they are not doing anything wrong.

More Stuff The ENTJ:

Is typically straight forward and frank in communications
In relationships, they are confident and assertive
In relationships, they are very willing to decide for others
In relationships, they will treat you fairly and justly
In relationships, they can at times appear argumentative, arrogant and critical
In relationships, at times are insensitive to the feelings and interpersonal needs of others
May rush to judgment at times
Very self confident and appear to hold themselves in high regard…rightly so
May rush to judgment rather than cooperatively considering a mates point of view
Will not be bound by the expectations of others

Under Stress The ENTJ:

May become extremely critical of themselves and others
Will become angry, controlling and blindly issues orders without repect to consequences
Will begin to strongly doubt themselves
Under extreme stress they may withdraw, feel hurt, trapped and become over emotional
May withdraw and strongly criticize others

If this type is you, wonderful, perhaps you now have a better understanding of yourself, and perhaps you can use that increased understanding in many positive ways.

If you see someone else as this type but not you, please pay attention to the differences between your personality and the ENTJ. Try to see that your way and this way are natural and just fine! Look for the positive differences, the strengths this type brings to your type. Celebrate that because it cannot be changed and can add wonderful diversity and truth to your life!!

When I know I'm stressed.

2009-03-26T15:14:00.000-07:00

While my cheese, crab and broccoli soup dinner microwaves for two minutes, I think I'll have an Oreo.
...
...
...

It has been two minutes...and I have lost count of how many Oreos I've just eaten.
No good.

It is all relative.

2009-03-25T13:57:00.000-07:00

Luke: I can't believe it.
Yoda: THAT is why you fail.
-Star Wars episode 5

There is sooo much in my brain, and so many blogs to write on....and not enough time.

In the immortal words of my little sister- "I am busier than a one-legged [Megan] in a butt-kicking contest.

and I am loathe to say "butt"...ever. Free-speech enthusiast that I am...I frown at vulgar language...vulgar as in common...the original word for vulgar.

Anyway, so I don't have time to put my more interesting thoughts on paper...or anything else for that matter.
I find that business isn't really a matter of how much stuff one has to do, but a matter of how much stuff your brain (not even your exhausted body, but your BRAIN) can handle. I have done twice as much as this, with half as much sleep, and felt fine. I have also done half as much as this, with daily breakdowns and eight-hour naps.
So, really, it's all a war of the brain. That's the hardest war because you are fighting against yourself...and let's face it...when you fight yourself you have quite literally met your match.

Bwahahahahaha.

2009-03-22T07:27:00.000-07:00

"Hello, paper."
"Bwahahahahahahaha!"
"Um...ya...I need to talk to you."
"BwaHAhahahahahHAHA!"
"Wait, is that a curly mustache, black top hat and cape on you?"
*upitty, yet ominous, turn of the century piano music*
"Oh, my gosh. I'm in a Melodrama."
*paper takes cape and masks half of face, while whisking away*
"Stop, you fiend!"
"BwhahahahahahahaHA!"
* Megan, in her pursuit, passes a man tied up on the railroad track calling "Help Me, Help Me!" in a sweet voice*
"Dude...just roll off the track...freakin moron."
*man blinks several times...then starts rolling off the track, apologetically*
"Anyway...I shall defeat you, Paper!"
*Megan continues her desperate chase, into an abandoned mine. Little does she know, that paper's thugs-Big Bud, the case study; Jackhammer Johnson, the math exam; One-Eyed-Pete, the presentation and handout; and Little Anthony, the Children's literature research paper- all wait just off screen, with dynamite and really big hammers. OH, WHAT SHALL OUR BRAVE HEROINE DO! Find out next time when the adventure continues....*

Deep Hidden Fear

2009-03-20T22:20:00.001-07:00

So, I have a deep, hidden fear of writing. Seriously. I would rather sink into the cesspit of unpleasant things before attempting to write. I don't really have a lot of confidence in myself as a writer. I find this extremely annoying sometimes...like just now for example, when I sat, frozen in fear, at the prospect of writing a few e-mails to my scholarship committees , my employers and my dean. Just little short letters...literally send me into a spiral of depression. I got home, surfed the web ,aimlessly, and took a four hour nap, rather than write.

I need to get over this severe lack of self-efficacy by experiencing some success. The thing is, I have always hated writing-the writing process in particular. I hate the self-critique of having to read and edit my own work. To me, it's like that uncomfortable feeling you get when you have to watch a video-tape of yourself giving a speech...when you KNOW you've gained some weight, and your hair was out of wack, and you said "um" thirty-eight times. I mean, can't we just move on?
And then there is the pride thing. I mean, didn't I do it right the FIRST TIME? Why should I take my hard work, and feed it to the vultures they call "peer editors". Do I really deserve this public humiliation?
And finally, there were the classes and the teachers who gave me poor scores...and no matter how often one says that scores are just assessments to show where improvement can be made...assessments in our world are more often sentences to lives of avoidance. I would rather do that which I succeed at, so I just avoided writing. It scares the crap out of me.
Wait, and another thing. I enjoy writing about things I enjoy. One of the great "duh" statements of the millennium. I enjoy writing in a loose, free format...with lots of hyphens, "...", and parentheses to mirror my style of thinking. I write in dialogue format a lot (it being familiar to me because of stage experience and overall dramatic thinking style), or in whatever form seems most accessible to my thoughts. I like writing where I cannot fail since there is no rubric.

And then there is time. If I can just bust out a written work, first draft, first time, I would enjoy it. The process is long though. It's particularly long for me, since I have a lifetime of avoidance behind me. Whenever a teacher assigns me a writing assignment, they also assign me five or more hours of irrational panic and stress, possibly tears, and a long loooong night with the thesaurus and the dictionary, and the APA format book...and the humilation of the self-proof..which I usually avoid altogether...and the super humiliation of the peer review....which I usually avoid altogether by just asking the reviewer to make the corrections they see fit, and just accepting the changes without looking at the text...and the self-esteem jackhammer of final score.

Now, I KNOW that most of my posse is hyper-literate, and that right now 50 or so good intentioned people are bursting at the seams with advice...ranging anywhere from "Just GET FREAKING OVER IT!" to "God loves all his children." but I ask you to not share. I've given myself all these pep talks.
I know it's all in my head, but, as the great mentor Brian Champion said, "Your head is a very important part of your body! If it's all in your head, that's MORE important. It effects everything."

So, I wonder, what do YOU avoid? Sports? Dancing? Chemistry? Skinny-jeans? Boyfriends?

I consider myself a very malable, motivated person. I feel like I've really grown in trying new things, and being more mastery-oriented vs. failure avoiding. But this is a stinker.

T-shirts---Should I buy them?

2009-03-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

Ok....so there are two t-shirts

Both of which are on sale for five dollars.

ON threadless.com

Should I buy them?

Subtle Crush of the Week!

2009-03-18T17:22:00.001-07:00

World famous, Parisian, wood block artist illustrator extraordinaire...look up his stuff. Dude woodblocked EVERYTHING...the Life of Christ, Children's Fairy-tales, Don Quixote, Poe's "The Raven", just everything...and amazingly well.

And LOOK AT HIM! He just looks like the coolest guy ever. The scarf, the posture, that "whatever" look on his face - he was like that hot, enlightened, sensitive, sexy artist kid you always wished would talk to you, but you'd probably end up saying something stupid to, and accidentally align yourself with "the man" by mentioning some mass produced product, and then spend the rest of the school year trying to prove you aren't a complete fascist ditz, only to fail...because let's face it...you ARE...at least compared to him. You know, the Oh-my-gosh-I think-he-just-looked-at-me-no-wait-play-it-cool type guy.

Anyway, subtle crush of the week- Paul Gustave Dore.

His great-grandson is also cool.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

2009-03-17T15:00:00.001-07:00

So, today I was graded on one of my lessons...and my big flaw in the lesson was being too......(violent? cruel? boring? unanimated? ignorant of the subject? quiet? Long winded?....just wait)..............enthusiastic.

"Well, I'll try to tone it down."

"No, really REALLY tone it down."

Anyway, I'm also trying to figure out why my front right tire on Captain Handsome is really really low on air (only been driving it about three weeks). I guess I'll just go fill it up with more air and hope for the best. Anyone know what I can do about it?
Yesterday I went and checked out some books on car repair and maintenance ( "A complete Idiot's Guide (hey...they wrote a book...just for ME!) to Car Repair" and "Dare to Repair:Your Car") Now, the Dare to Repair book has a a big picture of Rosie the Riveter on it...and is supposed to be written especially for women.

I don't really get this.
A: How am I "sticking it to the man" by learning how to fix my car? Do I really need a picture of a slightly angry (mostly determined) propaganda woman on my book? It's not that I mind, but it feels kind of silly that I need the face of determined, barrier breaking, freedom-fighting womanhood...on my car repair book. I think that image deserves a more meaningful place.
B: Are the procedures for fixing a car different for amateur women than for amateur men? Do I really need a separate book for women...I mean, are there different words for "allignment", "motor oil" and "power steering" in womanese than in manish?
I mean, I hope that some misguided men and psychotic poodle women didn't write this for the imaginary women they've created in their heads!
I mean, what's this book gonna be LIKE?

"Turn the cutsie wootsey wittle bolt the left, because, as we always remember 'lefty loosey righty tighty, you look bestest in a nighty.' Then, fill up that adorable car with nummy oil and gas...and make sure to put something cute on the front mirror...dice are sooo nineties...and it really helps if you have a bumper-sticker with your entire family in stick figures on the back, because nothing says "I'm a competent driver" like mock-kindergartener lettering. Also, never EVER go anywhere without lip gloss in the glove compartment...cause, when you break down and some eye-candy comes to rescue you, you'll wanna look cute....needy and cute."

Why I love the book Possession.

2009-03-14T23:25:00.000-07:00

I will now flip randomly through the book and pick out ten random quotes I find on the random pages.

"The more the Many were revealed to me
The more I pressed my hunt to find the One"
-p 226

"What did she really look like, Blanche?"
"No one really knows for certain. I imagine her very pale, but that's only because of her name."
-p 144

"We fabricate to demonstrate their Truth."
-p440

"The Historian and the Man of Science alike may be said to traffic with the dead."
-p 116

"Very likely--very likely indeed! But it should be no boast. If it is a fact, it is almost a disgraceful one."
-p 425

"Choose now, and choose wisely, for extremes of bliss and misery stand in your choice."
-p 169

"It's both sides. It's everything. It was always there..."
- p 94

"There are things that happen and leave no discernible trace, are not spoken or written of, though it would be very wrong to say that subsequent events go on indifferently, all the same, as though such things had never been."
- p 552

"You know how things are now, do you? You know how things are? Do we ever know that about a fellow-creature?"
- p 400

"To a dusty shelf we aspire."
-p 61

2009-03-14T21:35:00.000-07:00

I just had an epiphany!
I've got enough confidence in myself (right now) that I don't feel like I have to prove anything.

Give it time though. I'll be back to my good old insecure self soon.

:D

Tired

2009-03-14T21:28:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of arguing right now...I'm tired of proving my points. This doesn't mean that I don't want to prove my points...it's just that, sometimes, I just want to sit quietly with someone who knows my thoughts, and just "be."

Book of the Megan Club

2009-03-13T16:01:00.001-07:00

Currently reading...
Uncommon Faith, about New England in the mid-to-late 1830's.

Prequel...part 1

2009-03-10T22:17:00.000-07:00

"The future is not what it used to be."
-Anonymous

Pre-mortal life.

"Opp....so, Megan."
"Yep"
"Looks like there are only two eternal rolls in life ,that are essential in your generation, left. Let's see....*looks at clipboard*...ah ha. Looks like you could either be a swimsuit model neuroscientist...or...unphotogenic."
"I'll take the model."
"Ah...well too bad it's OPPOSITE DAY!"
"Wait....what? *looks at calender*...dang."

Happens a lot.

2009-03-08T14:19:00.000-07:00

I have nothing interesting to write about on my blog today.

That's not to say that I don't have deep thoughts...but nothing that I'd want anyone else to read...example: "How much wood WOULD a woodchuck chuck?" *ponderous look about the room*

So, write on your own blogs. Give me something interesting to read.

"Wiley"

2009-03-06T16:00:00.000-08:00

Ah! Now, on top of it all I've got to go to a BRUNCH...a BRUNCH. I'm not old enough to be invited to non-ironic non-themed BRUNCHES yet...but here I am. It all comes from having fabulous married, pregnant ,and socially graceful pregnant friends.

So, funny redundant tale-today, whilst teaching young growing minds...as I tend to do, I sat next to this kid named Riley (from an undisclosed class, in an undisclosed school), except he couldn't say his "r"s...so "Wiley". Now "Wiley" sat next to me during Health, busting out facts about the periodic table and how steel is made from iron; all the while fidgeting out of intense boredom. The rest of the class was just trying to grasp the concept that "iron helps blood cells carry oxygen", while Wiley excitedly told me "O2 is weplaced with CO2!" at the top of his lungs. I kept trying to shush Wiley, but all the while I really felt for him. He was so far ahead of the class, that he was getting behind. After I walked out to rinse out the cups of cereal and magnets we'd used in our iron "experiment", I saw Riley being escorted out into the hallway by one of his teachers-off to be punished for being brilliant, bored, and therefore socially awkward.

Don't worry Wiley. I'll be certified in two years and I won't make you pull a card for being smart. As I look back, I'm starting to realize that I was placed in advanced classes all through elementary school and junior high (whether I should have or not...is still up for debate.), which accounts for a lot of my sanity/insanity. I've suddenly gained an appreciation for Gifted and Talented programs. It's a very fine line between genius and "problem child".

Heinousness

2009-03-05T16:35:00.000-08:00

"I could burn with the splendor of the brightest fire, or else, or else I could choose time."
-Eva Peron in Evita

Behold...the heinous overbooking of the fabulous Megan:

I have facial party on the seventeenth.

Teaching from 7:00 AM to 3:00 PM

Going to the ballet tonight

Going to open house tomorrow

Going to Hunger Banquet on Saturday

Must have tragically long Psychology take-home midterm done my midnight

Must have Google earth tour (recorded in HTML) done and uploaded by Monday

Must contribute to several blogs

Must find time to write on mine

I still have religion class every Wed..for two hours

I must read lots and lots of books

I must write several large reports, and case study.

Weight training dates every Tuesday Thursday and Saturday at 8:00

...sometimes I just zone out when I have this much to do...if by zoning out I mean folding my laundry while watching the news and making periodic glances at my textbook. So really, I'm not overwhelmed...I'm just finally reaching my potential point of success satiation.

Or...you know...I could always sleep. The world always looks better when you aren't looking at it anymore. ;)

Identity Almost Theft....

2009-03-04T18:17:00.000-08:00

'This innocent who wears my face; who goes to judgment in my place?"
-Jean Valjean

Ah...someone is writing on FMH..and their screen name is Megan....and they are sympathetic to the US Military...but they aren't me. This is potentially bad.

Now, I have been posting on FMH for a while now under a great, and undisclosed, screen name...which isn't Megan. I have a terrible hunch that people I know, who know I write on FMH, are going to think that this other Megan is me...and this can be no good...because what if this other Megan suddenly goes off the deep-end...or starts typing about her possibly reprehensible past...or writes one day about how she can't stand any of her friends...and officiates baby sacrifices by the light of the full moon (...as opposed to my superior sacrifices during equinoxes and every other friday at noon).

The point is...that I am NOT this Megan person. Spread the word.

Percussion

2009-03-03T21:12:00.000-08:00

"It doesn't matter what those morons say."
-Eva Peron in Evita

Sometimes people make me want to bang my head against a desk. So as not to annoy people ,though, I would bang in a pleasant, rhythmic way.

There is not specific person, just people of a specific brand of ignorant ( for we are, all of us, ignorant of something), of whom I once was one of the most zealous, but have since repented.

*bang *bang *bang